Pitt Is Shit!

The University of Pittsburgh football team was supposed to contend this year. Dave Wannstedt was supposed to deliver on his promise this year. This was supposed to be "the year" Pitt finally returned to national prominence. After the huge upset of West Virginia at the end of last season, everyone on this side of the Mason Dixon line believed it. But a sad reality set in on Saturday. Pitt really does stink. Anyone that thinks they might be a "contender" doesn't lose to Bowling Green. Pitt did. Pitt was an embarrasment on Saturday. I am going to say it now. Dave Wannstedt will be fired at the end of the season, maybe earlier. If Pitt really wants to contend they have to do something. I didn't get to watch the game, but from what I heard the play-calling was quite conservative. Maybe Offensive-Coordinator Matt Cavanaugh is the problem. I don't know. But Pitt has to do something if they are serious about contending for a National Championship. There is still hope this year though. Perhaps Pitt's embarrassing loss to Bowling Green was just a case of the Panthers having the jitters on opening day. Who knows. But I doubt that. Pitt really is shit this year.

Here are some more stories about Pitt from the web...
Pitt Fans Get No Bang For Buck (Post-Gazette)
Offense Throws Gutter Ball in Loss (Post-Gazette)
Pitt At Crossroads (Tribune Review)
Pitt AD Still Supports Wannstedt (Tribune Review)
Pitt Looking To Bounce Back (ESPN.com)

The Diary Of A Liquor Store Clerk

Something strange happened today. Actually it was totally normal. It has just been so long since I have been forced to deal with it, that it feels like a decade ago. Another one of our fine snobby customers came into the booze outlet today. All seemed to be normal. It was what appeared to be a nice lady who had some questions about a bottle of wine she had supposedly purchased at our store. I immediately knew she was lying because she kept trying to say she knew where it was at and looked at different bottles, all that had nothing in common, saying that looked like it. Well it wasn't. After she settled on some cheap imported white, she asked me if I would mind looking it up for her. I decided to teach this bitch a lesson. "I would be more than happy to help you find it" I told her. "It should only take a minute or so." So I took my fucking time finding it on our computer. After about six minutes she became frustrated. I could tell by looking at her she was getting a little impatient. "It should only take another minute" I explained "This list is six pages long." She decided that she was going to go into the Giant Eagle and try to piss me off or show that she was unhappy, but I didn't give a shit. I then printed out the page so that when she came back she could see the result. Let's just say it wasn't good for her. When she came back I explained to her that the wine she was seeking was not available in the state of Pennsylvania. "I'm sorry to inform you that it is unavailable in our state" I told her. She was upset and responded by saying "could I ask you another question without you being so rude!" No you didn't. Please tell me you didn't call ME rude. FUCK YOU BITCH. I was upset now and when she asked me if she could order it in from another state, I said "We don't have it in our state. We don't carry it. How much more clear do I have to be?" needless to say She left and I was happy. Just another day working in the booze factory.

TOP TEN SLEEPERS IN FANTASY FOOTBALL 2008

After sitting through two live fantasy football drafts on Yahoo and watching people select their picks, I realize that some of these players selected were either selected because they stock was high or someone actually has the "Bones Feeling" for them. First, let me explain the " Bones Feeling", it is a feeling you get at the beginning on the draft that makes you feel all warm inside and kind of gay. You develop a man crush on this player because you start to feel that your the only one that may feel this way for him and you may be able to steal him later in the draft. Bones usually has this feeling for Andre Johnson from the Texans about every yr.

Now that you have gained further knowledge on the "Bones Feeling" and what it means, here is my top ten sleepers or guys that I get that "Bones Feeling" for:

These are in no particular order:

1. Santonio Holmes - WR-PITTSBURGH STEELERS- This guy has the most raw talent the Steelers have at the wide out position, since hell I don't know the 70's. I have a feeling now that Hines is in the transition on moving into more of a poessesion receiver, this is really going to open the door for fantasy owners. He is definitly an explosive downfield threat that has great hands. I ll take it a step further, Holmes led this team in YAC this preseason. This tells me there is definitly more to come from this stud even after catches the ball. I am calling it now, this guy is going to the pro bowl.

2. Patrick Crayton- WR- DALLAS COWBOYS- I know another wideout, but can you blame me. The Cowboys have more offensive threats and talent then the entire cast of TGIF ON ABC 15 YRS AGO. Because of this I feel CRAYTON will slip through the cracks of not only fantasy owners, but cornerbacks as well. You tell me who you are going to focus on when your calling a defense that has to line up against ROMO,OWENS,WITTEN, BARBER, AND NEWLY DRAFTED FELIX JONES, who we will talk about later. Crayton is a burner and doesn't mind going across the middle and gaining the all important YAC that could land you in the endzone. I feel like Crayton can play the role like Santonio Holmes did later in his rookie season when he found his niche in the offense.

3. Kurt Warner- QB- ARIZONA CARDINALS- This guy through the most TD'S in the second half of the 2007 season. He also in my book has two pro bowl receivers in Fitzgerald and Boldin. Now, although Boldin is not getting along with management, he will still go out and perform cause like any player they know that money is on the line. I know Warner is old and his wife looks like more of a man then he is, but this guy doesn't have to do much to look good. It reminds of his days in St. Louis with all the fire power he had back there. I mean as long as Matt Lionheart keeps hammering down beer bongs and doing softcore hot tub scenes with his no talent buddy Nick Lachey. I really dont think you can blame me for making Kurt Warner a sleeper.

4. Thomas Jones-RB- NY JETS- I think your going to see a resurrgence from this guy like his past days in Chi - town. I feel that the pick up of Brett Favre will help this team tremendously. They have upgraded their o- line and since Favre has proved everyone wrong again about being able to play and make players look better then what they are around him. Maybe we will finally get to see how good these JETS RECEIVERS finally are. This guy help Ryan Grant become a beast, made Greg Jennings look like the next Art Monk, and turned Donald Lee into Mark the undersage babysitter fucker Chamara. Yes he was a good player while he played the TE position.

5. Felix Jones-RB- DALLAS COWBOYS- I said earlier in this post that we would be talking about this guy and I meant it. I know in this top part there maybe a lot of rookies called out and that is because we don't know all that much about them and if their game can transfer into success in the NFL. Well, after what we saw in Minnesota I think it is only right that rookies get respect too. Now, unless you were a huge college football fan you probably don't know much about Felix Jones and it is not really your fault. This guy was the back up behind Run DMC in Arkansas. Yes, that is correct a back - up and first round pick. My point exactly, this kid has talent and not only does he have that, but he has the hands and speed to go with it. He is also learning from one of the best pounding and hard running back in business today Marion Barber. His skills for blocking are getting better and will gain him even more playing time on 3rd downs. Like I said before with all that talent in Big D, who will you choose to cover or key in on. This guy will find the endzone and if he keeps learning behind Marion Barber, he will probably find himself being the man in Dallas in no time!

6. Jonathan Stewart - RB- CAROLINA PANTHERS- This kid is a rookie out of Oregon, where they weren't short of talent last year. The only thing that hindered any one from this team from being drafted higher were the injury bug. Pittsburgh Fans know that all to well, when we drafted Stewarts ex - teammate Dennis Dixon, who has been receiving high praise ever since his arrival in the burgh. Stewart was one of the most sought after rb's in the draft with only his toe hindering his draft status. I know the Steelers had him high on their draft board as well and that says enough to me since our taste in running backs in the burgh is pretty damn good. Stewart runs hard and downhill. With what is going on in Carolina's backfield, I feel that it's Stewarts job to win or lose. He is a rookie who will get multiple chances and is in an offense that loves to mix up the run and pass. They also have the down field boxing threat in Steve Smith to keep teams honest and from huggling the line of scrimmage. This guy seems to be a good fit for your WR/RB slot.

7.Eddie Royal-WR-Denver Broncos- I know I know another rookie. Well, this guy is in Denver where yards seem to come easy every yr no matter how old you are and where you come from. With Brandon Marshall coming back after he serves his one game suspension and Jason Bices' best friend Jay Cutler, who supposively had the strongest arm in his draft class throwing to him. This could turn out to be a good fit for Royal and an even better compliment for Marshall, whose numbers last yr help Bones become two - time champ of the league. This guy will have one guys is already being compared to Steve Smith from Carolina. Now, I am not saying he is going to be that good I am just saying that is the type of receiver this can could be.of the better chances in winning offensive rookie of the yr and don't be surprise if he does. This guy runs great routes and has dynamic speed and much stronger then what his size displays. This

8. Jeremey Shockey- TE- New Orleans Saints- I am sorry to even mention a tight end,but as we all know there are a few of them out there that can be difference makers on your team. I am telling you right now this guy was drafted high and was a pro bowler for a reason. He is a damn good blocker and an even better receiver. Now that he is in more pass happy offense with Drew Brees, who will be competing for the NFL MVP this yr. This guy is going to come back to glory. Now, I know you all know who he is and all that bullshit. For some reason he was forgotten about on a lot of draft boards. I don't know if it is because he got traded or because he didn't play much of last yr when it counted. I am telling you and I know Marques Colston would to if you could talk to him. This guy will be vital in the pass offense for the Saints this yr. He has done it before and he will do it again.

9. Chris Perry- RB - CINCY BENGALS- By now this may not be much of a sleeper, now that Rudi Johnson got cut. I know I was already thinking about picking up Watson or Perry while drafting for my teams. Now, I do not think the Bengals are going to be great, or even good this yr. I do however think they will pad the stat category. They have the talent to put pts on the board offensively, they always have. It's just getting a defense of the field to help them. Back to Perry, who will be taking most of the carries in the backfield. This guy is from yes MATT CARROLLS' BELOVED SHITTY MICHIGAN. He loves to bang in between the tackles and he is a good back for the AFC North. The Bengals have so much damn talent on the outside with Johnson, Housh, and the reinstated crack head Chris Henry. This guy should have alot of room to run the ball as long as they all can stay healthy. This team has to work as a unit to be good and have good fantasy stats. They aren't good enough to do it on their own. Let say like TOM AND RANDY OR ROMO AND T.O. OR EVEN TOMLINSON AND THAT COCKY BASTARD RIVERS.

10. This one was tough when getting down to the last one it could be a lot of guys. I think Marvin Harrison is going to have a good yr. His counterpart Anthony Gonzalez I feel will be pretty good. I also think Chad Pennington will resurge in Miami. This guy was good for a reason and give a savy veteran like him a second chance in warm weather, this could really work out for him. I am just not sure it will be this yr. So my number 10 pick is no other then:

Donte' Stallworth- WR- CLEVELAND BROWNS- With all the hype going into Braylon Edwards this yr. I think Stallworth if healthy can really do some damage to some secondaries espically one like Pittsburgh's who plays the inital 10 yrds off you. But we always benfit from a shitty Browns o - line and sack their QB about 100 times. But if Anderson plans on not being a one yr wonder and letting Wonder Boy Brady Quinn (who Bones secretly wants to date..lol) then I think this guy will have a big role in serving that purpose. He is still a pretty good downfield threat and in New England he became a pretty good receiver catching balls across the middle. Remember he also has Kellen "Soldier Boy"Winslow protecting him from Defenses too. So ,just like the camoflauge that Winslow wheres on gameday appearently, he must have gave some to Stallworth when it came to fantasy drafts and for the sake of my prediction I hope he wears on gamedays. This way he can slip past defenses and make me look like a football guru!!

Thanks for your time and I hope you take the time to consider some of these guys while drafting or while kicking yourself in the ass for not drafting them. I would invite any posts that would like to disagree or even replace some of my players. It is always interesting hearing what others think or are thinking of espically when the season comes to end. WELL GOOD LUCK TO ALL FANTASY FOOTBALL OWNERS AND HOPE NONE OF THESE GUYS END UP BITING YOU IN THE ASS WHEN ITS ALL SAID AND DONE.

Fantasy Football Tip of the Day: 9/2/2008

I have a really good feeling about Kurt Warner this year. Now I don't have him on my team, because I have two pretty damn good starting QBs. But if you had someone shitty (Jay Cutler), I'd recommend you pick this guy up. Krazy Kurt threw more touchdowns than anyone the last 7 games of 2007 and he's got the weapons to continue this strong pace. I'm going to make the bold prediction that Warner will finish this season as a top 5 QB and I'll probably regret not picking him up.

10 Things I Hate About Bones!

Introducing our newest blogger!

In honor of our newest blogger, Bones, I was going to compile a list of 10 things I hated about him. Then I realized that there are so many things I despise about this rat bastard, that there's no possible way I could cut them down into a list that small. So instead, I'll give you 10 important facts that everyone should know in case they ever have the displeasure of seeing Bones on the street.

1. Bones is an internet sensation

A couple years ago, I helped Bones make a music video for a class to the classic Wham! hit "Jitterbug". Soon after uploading it online, the video reached over 100,000 views and apparently everyone in the small town Bones is from had seen it. Ever since, Bones has considered his success "a Blessing and a curse."

2. Bones is really Pau Gasol

Take a good look at the person on the left, now look at the person on the right. One of these people is Bones, the other is Los Angeles Lakers Forward Pau Gasol. Both are tall, skinny, white, and can't dance. In fact these two are so similar that they must be the same person. Bones is Pau and Pau is Bones. Now you may be wondering how he pulled off going to college with me and playing in the NBA at the same time. Well it's quite simple really. In school, we always accused Bones of being lazy since all he ever did was sleep. Sure, we would try and wake him up but he'd just lay there. My guess is that Bones would just leave a lifelike doll of himself lying around so we wouldn't get suspicious. Well played Bones, well played!

3. Video Games put the Fucks to Bones

It's true. Everytime Bones plays Mario Kart against us and loses, he exclaims "They Put The Fucks To Me." Apparently, the video game knows what controller Bones is using and does everything it can to make him lose. Artificial Intelligence has really made strides hasn't it.

4. Bones Loves Miller Lite

And who doesn't. Miller Lite is such a delicious beer. On weekends, Bones can be seen sharing a round at Double Play with Crippler, Junior, and Dan Potash. Good friends. Good Beer. That's what Bones always says.

5. I Beat Bones in a Best of 7 Beer Pong Tournament

Everyone else was gone one weekend so Bones and I decided we would have a best of 7 beer pong tournament. The loser would have to wear a bracelet with "Get this Party Started" inscribed on it. I quickly went down 3-1 but came back and won 3 straight matches to win the tourney. Then it was like 10 o'clock and we were too drunk and tired to do anything else, so we went to sleep.

6. Bones likes Men

Not that there's anything wrong with it, but Bones won't admit it. Recently, he has been slipping up, though. Point in Case: The other day, Bones' Dad said he was going to hop in the shower and Bones said "I'll be right behind you." Not gay enough for you? Well, later that night Bones was at the bar talking about how he gets worried when he doesn't know where Junior is. "He'll come up behind me and I'll either get a dick in the ass OR something bad might happen," he said. Gee Bones, a dick in the ass would constitute "something bad happening" if indeed you were straight.

7. Bones is responsible for 9/11

He's also responsible for such travesties as Hurricane Katrina, AIDS, and the Pirates 16 losing seasons.

8. Bones hates Matthew Perry

According to Bones, Matthew Perry is a fat coke head. I don't recall Matthew Perry being fat or a coke head. I think Bones is just trying to keep his love of "Friends" a secret. I got him a "Friends" party pack for Christmas one year and he gave it away. After I had taken all that time to find the perfect gift. Some friend....

OK, those are all the facts I can think of to describe Bones. That, and I'm too lazy to talk about him any more. If someone wants to contribute more facts, be my guest.

Penny Pincher

So the other day I was in the food court of the mall that I work at as a manager at Hollister. I decide that I want some tasty fake Chinese food so I make my way over to Panda Express. If you are not familiar with this food eatery, it is delicious. Let's just say if it were to come out today that they serve cat and dog, I would still consider eating it. So I tell the kind woman behind the counter that I would like some Bejing Beef, Orange Chicken and Chow Mein; a delightful combination. So, she puts the items on my plate and sends me down the line to the cash register where another smiling face is awaiting me to pay for my meal. I order a Dr. Pepper because it makes me aroused and tell her my order is then complete. So the total cost of my meal is $7.88. I hand the woman a 10 and say "Here kind woman is my legal tender for my wonderful meal I am about to indulge upon." She then hands me 2 dollars. Then she is about to hand me the reciept and change when as she opens her hand the 12 cents drops to the floor. She apologises and I say. "No need madam, these things happen." So I bend down and pick up my dime. Then I pick up my first penny. As I am about to pick up the second penny fucking grandfather time standing next to me bends down and picks up MY penny and puts it in HIS pocket. WHAT THE FUCK??? The old bastard was standing next to me the whole time. He knew it was my penny, he saw and heard it fall from the kind chashier's hand. The fucker even saw me bending down to pick it up. At first I thought he was being nice and bending down to give it to me and I was going to say "Aw, bless your heart you old bag of bones!" But no, the dickhead stole my penny. I sat in awe for about 30 seconds and was about to tell him that I wanted my penny back and that I would break his frail hip if he did not honor my wishes. But I then realized it was just a penny and threatening the old man with physical harm might cause him to have a heart attack. Even though it was just a penny, it was still my penny and old man winter stole it from me. Old people suck. That's it for now. Later

Fantasy Football 2008 Preview

Is it pathetic that one of the highlights of my life is an annual fantasy football draft? Probably, but by God its one of my favorite days of the year! Where else can a group of assholes like my friends and I compete and rip on each other at high levels without any form of exercise whatsoever? Nowhere! So for the past five years, I've had one goal: To Beat Bones.

So this year, I invite you to look in on our league to see how Fantasy Football is really played.

http://football.fantasysports.yahoo.com/league/bonescantwin

But before I do, Let me introduce you to the gang and give you a preview of the upcoming season.

3time 3time 3time

Owner: Bones
Exp: 4 years
Overall Record: 34-20-2
Best Finish: 1st (twice)
Worst Finish: 3rd
Playoff Appearances: 4

If there's one person I wish would lose all his games, it would be Bones. Not because he's pretty much ruled the league since it's inception 2004 but more because I just generally wish ill-will upon him in whatever he does. As much as I hate to admit it, Bones generally picks up a good team whether it be through the draft or on the waiver wire. This year his starting line-up looks pretty solid. Roethlisberger is a top 5 QB and LT is LT. Lee Evans is, as always iffy and I think Michael "the Burner" Turner is going to have a breakout season. As for his bench, Rudi Johnson, who is currently getting shopped, has a lot to prove. Crayton is a good sleeper, and Joey Galloway is always good for being old and catching balls.

2008 Prediction: Bones will lose all his games except when he faces Dan.

Rhoades
Owner: Rhoades
Exp: 4 years
Overall Record: 28-25-3
Best Finish: 1st
Worst Finish: 6th
Playoff Appearance:2

The leagues inaugural champion, Old Rhoadesy looks to have a season without a tie. My worry about Rhoades' team is that a lot of these guys have missed time, or will miss time due to injury, (or in Brandon Marshall's case, suspension.) Donavan Mcnabb has been a solid QB when he's been healthy but with injuries to Coles, Chad Johnson, and Reggie Brown his wide receivers are definitely suspect. Larry Johnson should have a decent year, except the Chief's lack of a passing game is going to hurt there. Frank Gore will probably be awesome, especially since I hate him. Props on the Mendenhall pick though, as long as he can keep his hands on the ball, he'll be a viable option.

2008 Prediction: It's tough to tell, I think if his receivers stay healthy, Rhoades could make the playoffs, but that's a big if.

Chinese Chopsticks
Owner: Chan
Exp: 4 Years
Overall Record:27-29
Best Finish: 4th
Worst Finish: 8th
Playoff Appearances: 1

If we were playing this Fantasy Football in China, Chan would surely win the league. Not because his team is better than ours, but more because the Chinese cheated in the Olympics, so why stop there? Actualy, Chan's team is looking a lot stronger than I initially thought, especially if Peyton Manning is healthy. Fitzgerald, Holt, Holmes, and Ward are some pretty decent receivers. Steven Jacksona and Brandon Jacobs are good. Lendale White is a fat ass, and I'm not so sure how many carries Justin Fargas is going to get so hopefully his top two backs don't get injured. If all goes well, I can see Chinese Chopsticks being a strong contender in this league.

2008 Prediction: With a healthy Manning, Chan finishes at least 3rd.

Jimmy Fallon Rocks
Owner: Bice
Exp: 4 years
Overall Record: 30-26
Best Finish: 2nd
Worst Finish: 8th
Playoff Appearances: 2
If Jesus were to draft a team, it would most certainly look like this. I have the Drew/ Marques Colston combo going in the Saint's pass happy offense. Harrison, Driver, and Cotchery will also get their fair share of TD's as well. Running Back wise Joseph Addai and Ryan Grant are clearly top fantasy backs. Thomas Jones is going to have a huge year and LJ Smith is going to become the top TE in th league. Overall, an awesome draft for old Bicer.

2008 Prediction: 1st place. 14-0.

Oriental Avenue
Owner: Dan
Exp: 4 years
Overall Record: 30-26
Best Finish: 3rd
Worst Finish: 7th
Playoff Appearances: 2

Dan is probably the worst player in Fantasy Football history. Every player he chooses is just so God Awful, I don't know why we even let him in the league. He's a total disgrace. Carson Palmer?! Awful! TJ Douchemanzadah?! Hurt and a prick! Bouldin wants a trade. Santana Moss sucks! Kevin Curtis is hurt. Marshawn Lynch is probably the only good player on his team. I wouldn't be suprised if Neil Rackers is his points leader this year. Honestly. Just Awful.

2008 Prediction: 0-14

Brutus B. Rowns
Owner: Timmy
Exp: 4 years
Overall Record: 25-29-2
Best Finish: 4th
Worst Finish: 8th
Playoff Appearances: 1

Timmy should have won the entire league last year. How you have guys like Brady, Moss, LT, and Braylon Edwards, and then not make the playoffs is beyond me. This year he has Brady and Moss back and although they probably won't reach the milestones they did last year, they'll still win him a few games. After those two, however, his team is all suspect. Maroney and McGahee are not strong backs, especially since McGahee hasn't even played this preseason. Calvin Johnson may be a good sleeper but other than that I'm not too impressed.

2008 Prediction: With awful teams like Dan's and Bones's, Timmy will go .500.

Make It RainOwner: Gus
Exp: 1 year
Overall Record: 10-4
Best Finish:2

During last year's draft everyone made fun of Gus's team. Then he went and came in 2nd place. So no more of that. I've got to say, I hate Tony Romo. He never is good for a whole season, especially not when you need him but maybe Jessica Simpson won't show up to any of his games this year. TO is getting up there in age but still effective. Willie Parker is great but rarely gets in the end zone. Adrian Peterson could carry his team for a few weeks and those two rookie running backs could help carry the load.

2008 Prediction: Gus finishes second again after I kick the shit out of him in the championship game.

Cripplers
Owners: Crippler and Dan Potash

Exp: RookieCrippler is the new kid on the block and it shows because he drafted Jay Cutler, who I think is worthless. Braylon Edwards, Andre Johnson, and Wes Welker are pretty decent receivers. Westbrook is fantastic. Portis is a weirdo and Earnest Graham sucks. Hopefully Dan Potash will call Crippler periodically to give him so good advice or he might hang himself on his bow flex.

2008 Prediction: He'll win like 5 games.

Commercials I Hate: Let's Vent!

I hate pretty much everything about this commercial. Let's start at the beginning. Johnny Blue Shirt is casually sitting with his hand on his girlfriends leg while she's reading some bridal magazine. Too bad she'll soon discover her douche bag boyfriend likes men and her little dream wedding ain't ever gonna happen. But that's another commercial for another time. So they are sitting there, kind of awkwardly, when the phone rings. It's Brad and from the way Captain Asshat is talking on the phone, there's cause for concern that resonates all over the faces of the aforementioned Asshat and his girl. Asshat explains that Brad really needs to vent and his girlfriend promptly tells him he should go. Next Asshat shows up on Brad's doorstep and WAIT A MINUTE! This is a beer commercial. It looks like old Johnny Blue Shirt and Brad have managed to outsmart the unknowing girlfriend by saying he was going to vent. Well he wasn't lying, the vent he was referring to was on the can of shitty Coors Light. It's the perfect plan. Now Asshat and Brad can get tanked on their pissy beer and have sex with each other and the girlfriend is none the wiser. Apparently nowadays, men need to devise elaborate schemes to go do things with their friends. Lame.

The lord works in mysterious ways... (Michael Phelps)

I realized something today. There is definitely a God. If you find what you are meant to do in the world, the big guy upstairs will hook you up. Michael Phelps is hideous. Without a shadow of a doubt, he is one of the goofiest looking people on the planet. The thing is, the dude is incredible. Men, women, and all those in the animal kingdom would probably bang the guy just because he is an amazing athlete and rich as hell. Like I said, I don't like to make fun of ugly people because I could have been born that way too. I think it's not cool to make fun of people who can't help it. I'm not making fun of Phelps. I'm just stating that the man is awful looking, and that he is the Lance Armstrong of swimming. It's insane. It's true that God did not bless him with charm, good looks or a fully functional brain. So What? Because God did bless him with the ability to swim like a mo fo and have more money and fame than I could ever imagine. Oh yeah and all those gold medals. So, next time you say, "there is no God," and "What did God ever do for me?" Just look a little harder cause you could be ugly as shit and end up being the most dominant athlete in the world.

Real FNL Spoilers!

A while back I wrote a post about my favorite drama Friday Night Lights, detailing what was to come in season 3. Well, apparently I was wrong with all my predictions and have found 2 links that discuss what is really going to happen. If you're a fan of the show (which you should be) you'll want to check these out.

The Ausiello Files

Hollywood Insider

Some Notes: I felt kind of cheated that we don't get to see what played out from season 2 due to the writers strike but judging from these articles it looks like we're headed for some major story lines in season 3. It's kind of sad that Smash and Street are leaving. It's also sad that this is the last year for most of the main cast since they are all graduating. I'm glad they are putting more focus on the Matt/Landry relationship though. I'm looking forward to Matt telling Landry he's retarded about 500 more times this year.

The Thief of the Traveling Pants

So, I was working a remote for the top 40 station here in Pittsburgh KISS at Sandcastle. For those unfamiliar with Sandcastle, it is a water park with slides, pools, food, tubes, and most of all it's chalk full of some of the wierdest people you will ever come across in your life. This day was no exception. Ok so don't get me wrong. There are normal people there, just not many. Well, I'm working this remote and we are playing guitar hero for some prizes. There were 3 girls all about 12 years old playing the game and talking with me and the DJ Tall Cathy. They were all normal and actually very nice girls. For being such good sports we decided to give them a bag and movie passes to go see a pre-screening of "Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants 2" the sequel to one of Stiens favorite movies. Along with the girls playing the game there was a creeper floating around doing at first what I thought was just normal creeper activites, but he exceeded my expectations in his creeperness. This man was at least 60 and had a pretty bad skin condition. I'm not going to make fun of the skin condition because that is not his fault and I would hate to have anything like that happen to me. So, it kind of actually made me feel bad for the guy. Kind of like how I feel bad for really ugly people because I could have been born that way too and they don't deserve the shit that people give them. But still, I don't know if a water park is the correct place to be if such a condition exists. I know I would not be one to go to a water park if I had that same problem. Well, this fellow comes up to our table and asks "What do I need to do to win a prize?" So I say. "Just play a game of guitar hero and we can give you any of the things we have." He said nothing in response to this, and went back to hovering behind a bunch or little girls and other wierd activites that his type engauges in. So, we place the prizes on the table for the girls to pick up when they finish the game. When they finished, one of the movie passes was no longer on the table. Tall Cathy and I both knew we gave them a prize but it was gone. Just as TC hand the girl another pass I notice the creeper slinking away. Sure as shit, with hands hidden behind his back so we didn't notice, he is holding a movie pass that he stole from our table. Ok now first off, you just stole something for which you need a kick in the dick. Secondly, it was stolen from a radio station that I'm pretty sure you have never heard of in your life. Third, it was stolen from a little girl, who did nothing to you whatsoever. Fourth it was fuckin "Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants 2". Not sure, but I don't think that it's the type of movie a 60 year old man really goes to see. Then again, he might go in to the theatre and touch himself. He might have been that kind of guy cause i'm telling you he was creepy. I was going to go after him but It was just not worth it. Later, he acually had the nerve to come back to the table. I think he was going to try to steal something else but I would have none of it. I was just watching him like a hawk and he left without more of our stuff. It was strange. Well, that's it. Later.

Ape Legs, Morons and The Lights Went Out!

Something very strange happened to me at work, aka the Booze Warehouse. At about noon on Saturday, the lights went out, literally. We still had electricity, but the lights went out, literally. And so we had to continue working with only the sun's rays to keep our store lit. It was very strange and is by far the only time in my life I have heard of anything like this. I finished before dark, but I took great happiness in asking people that had to work how they liked sitting in the dark, since that was what they would have to do. I also made comments about how they better get used to using flashlights and giving guided tours of the store since people cannot see in the dark. Nobody thought it was funny except the old guy that has nothing to live for. Go figure. But anyway today when I had to work the lights were still out! The best part was that we had electricity. I knew this would be good. I had to hold back though. Every person that came in and asked, "gee are you open?" I wanted to say, "No. I just come to this store when I feel the need to masturbate!" Idiots. But it got better. After people would shop around and then come to me to pay, they seemed to always say "What happened? No power?" NO DUMBSHIT! The radio just fucking plays and the safety lights stay on when the power is out! WTF? I think this job is killing me, but it didn't stop there. Next was "Ape Legs". Who is this strange creature? Well he is pretty much an asshole that doesn't know how to tell time. Ape Legs came into the store as we were closing (actually about four and a half minutes before). He grabbed his wine and then was like, gee nothing is on sale? Well asswipe, we needed to take the tickets down since the new sale starts tomorrow (for those that wish to shop) and we didnt expect your hairy ass in here three minutes before close. Dumb fuck. Anyway he did eventually leave, but the reason I call him Ape Legs is because he may be the harriest fuck, other than me. He seriously looked like Sasquatch in shorts. Gross. Thats what I deal with everyday.

Also, a good friend of the site, Steve Braband, is a ESPN star. Steve is promoting ESPN Sportscenter, going live or some other shit in 14 days. He has his own website, and periodically shows up during commercials, which is cool. Congrats Steve, I hope your success allows me to get a job at ESPN soon. Here is a link to the webpage: Steve Is Live

Succo's Trade

It's not positive yet but we just got word that Nady and Marte are out for some bums from the shit stain Yankees. Nice job fellas, way to work it through. So we get rid of one of our decent relief pitchers and one of our most consistantly solid players for an average relief pitcher and some minor league bums. Fuck that. The Pirates after shitting the bed after the all star break this is all we need. It's bottom of the 7th and we are losing 6-4. So we are probably going to lose after a string of a few good wins. Duke let up 5 today and pretty much licks male genitals. Remember when he was supposed to become our ace? Well he blows along with our other starting pitchers. Maholm, who was been the sole bright spot has been doing well and I will not complain about him. Still, we needed a starting pitcher and should have gotten one out of Nady and we easily could have. Not some turds who play in AA. I may be wrong and these guys develop into great players. But we will probably trade them when they start to produce anyways. Trading Nady will not help us reach .500 for the first time since I was a little kid pissing in my pants. I support the Pirates with every inch of myself. I love to go to games and I love to watch them on TV. I love the sports teams of this fine city like they are my children. And when your child does something stupid you still want to smack them on the ass. Well Succos, if you were my child, with the dumb shit you do, your ass would be red as those lame ass jerseys you are rocking.

TV Shows I Miss

Here we are for another piece of journalistic triumph from your friend Trick called: TV Shows I Miss. Last time we took a look at Clone High, an amazing show that got the shit can way before it ran it's course. Now, I'm going to take a look back to my childhood to recall a bad-ass cartoon called "The Real Ghostbusters."



The show was based off of the movie of the same name. It's about some scientists who catch and... Look if you don't know what Ghostbusters is you need punched in the testicles/ovaries so you can't spread your seed and populate the world with more sad excuses for humans like yourself. The show was the reason my childhood was not lame. I could have been watching Barney, or some stupid ass show like Power Rangers but no, I was watching some dudes beat the shit out of ghosts and all things evil. Now, there was another cartoon that was on around the same time called just "Ghostbusters," I'm not gonna lie, I watched the shit. However, I look back and wish I could kick my own ass because it was a cheap excuse for a cartoon. There was a damn gorilla that was busting ghosts.




What the Fuck ?????


Shit was just dumb. A gorilla would kill both of those cockbags way before he would bust ghosts. The show was based off of a 70's show that had two goof balls and a gorilla doing stupid shit. Look, I understand that this was the "origial ghostbusters" but it's pretty fuckin lame to have an ape (like Stein) running around trying to bust some demons and shit. Fuck that show.



"The Real Ghostbusters" was the bomb because the movies it was based on kicked ass and had some of the best comedians ever. I miss being a kid sitting on my couch and watching it and saying "oh Slimer, how I wish your were my friend. Oh man I just wee wee'd in my pants." Then come August I would be looking forward for my birthday where I could get a plastic proton pack from my parents and go outside and find some dick head ghosts to catch. Now, I loathe my birthday cause it's another reason for my family to get together and engauge in more depressing talk about which one of thier friends died or is in the hospital and how thier bowel movements are coming along. To be young....


So there you have it again folks your most recent intallment of TV Shows I Miss. Until next time... watch some hilarity from the show.

How Many Senses Do You Have?

Something funny happened the other day. I was at work (the booze outlet) and one of our fine customers decided that it was time to head home after making their choice on what to get fucked up on that day. This individual has been into the store several times. I was stationed at a register that was all alone near the exit. The register has nothing on either sides, so it could be confusing as to which side to go to. If you have any common sense, you would guess that it would be the side that lines up with the exit door. But this individual, who I will not name because I don't know it, goes to the wrong side. This person has been into the store several times, as I mentioned earlier. WHAT A FUCKING MORON! Who makes stupid choices like this. Apparently this douche bag and his thick, black rimmed glasses. He looks like a total nerd, overweight and dorky looking. What a waste.

Also, Bob Smizik wrote another lame editorial in which he calls Pittsburghers "knuckleheads" for wanting to boo Marian Hossa. Well no shit Smizik, what should we do: cheer him for taking us to a cup final, missing the last shot of the season, and then stabbing us all in the back and fleeing for Detroit. Why don't you all do us a fucking favor Bob and retire so that some college kid can get a job and actually contribute to society instead of writing pessimisstic articles. You beetle browed fuck!

SMIZIK DOESN'T WANT FANS TO ACT LIKE FANS