Saturday, July 12, 2008

Dark Knight Review.... Coming Soon

I am going to a pre-screening of The Dark Knight on Wednesday. I'll write a review for it after I see it for everyone. I'm pretty pumped to see this movie, it looks bad ass. I love Christopher Nolan as a director. He did Memento which is one of my favorite movies. Actually, Pretty much everything else he has ever done is amazing (The Prestige, Insomnia, Batman Begins etc...). I'm not gonna lie the combination of one of my favorite directors in Nolan and one of my favorite actors in Christian Bale makes me a little bit aroused. I think Bale is one of the best actors out right now and really liked how he did Batman in the last film. And not to hop on the bandwagon but ever since I saw the first stills of Heath Ledger as The Joker (before he died), I have been excited to see what he has done with it. Plus, Morgan Freeman, Aaron Eckhart, Michael Caine, and of course the replacement of the zombie Katie Holmes all leads the make up of a great film. So, I'm geared up to see this movie for free, hell I would actually pay full price for this movie. I'll let everyone know how it is and let you know if it is worth the 9 bucks you will pay to see it on Friday. All indications point to yes it's worth it, and reviews that have come out have all been positive. I read something that said it is as close to a masterpiece as a superhero film can be. So check back in a couple of days for a full review. Don't worry I'll write something funny next, this serious blogging just isn't for me.

Friday, July 11, 2008

I'm Sniffiling From a Cold...Not Snorting Cocaine

Ok, I'm not trying to poke fun at anyone here...actually I am. Matt Jones is an idiot. Jones, who is, or should I say, was, a wide receiver for the Jacksonville Jaguars was arrested on Thursday morning for felony possession of cocaine. Police apparently saw Jones sitting in his car cutting up cocaine with a credit card and once they arrested him and two other people involved they found a bag with 6 grams of cocaine, a straw with cocaine residue and a bottle with marijuana residue. Who the hell sits in a car at 1:00 in the morning and cuts up cocaine with a credit card? Apparently Matt Jones, because he is too dumb to do it in his house where he wouldn't get caught. That would have made too much sense. I mean what do you think cops are looking for at 1AM. Not Dunkin Donuts!I guess he wasn't thinking straight cuz he probably has been doing this for a while now, as his statistics from last season would show. Thats what you get for being stupid. Can everyone else hear the sound of Matt Jones' NFL career getting flushed down the toilet? He probably should have done that with the cocaine he was caught with. But here is the lesson kiddies. Don't snort cocaine. Don't even get near the shit. As Tim Meadows says in The Ballad of Dewie Cox, "Get out of here Dewie, you don't want none of this shit!" Always have that little voice in your head when you get into a fix. But if you do choose to do it, do it someplace like the basement of your house so you don't get caught. At least then you'll probably overdose and die, but at least then you won't go to jail!

Yankees Blow Dong

So, I went to the Buccos game last night against the penis eating Yankees. Nasty Nate took one deep in the 7th for a two run shot which gave us the W. I have been saying Nate was a hero for years. I know some people can back me on this. I have been saying it because I hate Chris Duffy with a passion. I would always say "why is Shits Duffy starting? Nate McClouth should be in there at center, he's better than that head case Duffy." Most people would tell me that I was crazy and Duffy was awesome. Well, Chris Duffy is in AA Altoona and Nate is on the All-Star team. So suck my sack bitches. Anyways, I came up with an awesome idea to get a blown up picture of Madonna's and hold it up at the game to heckle A-rod with it. Me and my buddy Sam, who got the tickets and kindly invited me to the game, ended up getting two of these blown up pictures and proceeded to yell things like "Hey A-Rod, I got your girl" and "I love you A-rod, when's the divorce gonna be finalized?" Regardless of if he saw us or not, all of the Yankees fans hung their heads in shame and the Pirates fans cheered as we walked down to third base and heckled Mr. Rodriguez. The glory only lasted a matter of seconds as the dick head that was manning the section forced us to leave his sector. PNC Park should fire this man as he is not a Pirates fan and a communist. Still, I feel the plan was a success as A-rod went 0-4 and more importantly the Bucco's get the win. We take the series from the team that represents all that is evil about professional sports and all is right in the world. Now all the Buccos need to do is get to .500. If they do, my weener will be erect for months.

JASON: I totally agree about the weener thing. We should make mention of how awesome Paul Maholm has been this year. He's gone 16 innings his past two games giving up only 3 runs in that time. He's also been fantastic since the end of May. I guess striking out Billy Crystal gave him that extra boost of confidence he needed to take it to the next level. Bob Smizik wrote an article about how he may want to avoid becoming the Pirates Ace.

Thursday, July 10, 2008

I HATE the internet...

I found a really funny video with Robin Williams and Elmo on Sesame Street, but because of some technical problem, I can't get it to upload. Dammit! I'll keep trying and hopefully I can get it uploaded.

10 Things You Didn't Know About Stein!

I found a pretty good article on the canadian sports website tsn. The article is called "10 Things You Didn't Know About Sid 'The Kid.'" You can check it out here:

Since, me and Stein are new to the blog I decided to inform you of the "10 Things You Didn't Know About Stein." Enjoy!!

1.) He really, really likes hockey. He likes it so much that he wears Penguins pajama's to bed, has a Penguins pillow case, and Penguins posters strewn about his room. He even has a blowup doll with Mario Lemieux's face glued on to it. He claims it is something he uses for inspiration. It smells like semen.

2.) He eats with his hands. I went over to his house one day to see him knuckle deep in a bowl of ramen noodles. When I asked him "Why don't you use a fork." He thew the bowl against the wall and threatened me with a piece of the broken glass. Which leads me to my next point...

3.) Stein has a bit of a temper. Mild mannered and kind as he may seem. This man has a mean streak as long as Tommy Lee's genitals. I once saw him drop kick a poodle and roundhouse kick a five year old.

4.) He is a racist. He makes fun of Canadians, Black People, Jewish people and Native Americans. He once called me a "frivolous Jew" I asked him if he even knew what frivolous meant. He didn't. I then asked him if he realized that I was not Jewish. He then called me a "heeb." I asked if he realized that a "heeb" was another word for Jewish. He did not. So he called me a cracker and left.

5.)He has both male and female reproductive organs. Ask him about it when he is drunk. If he doesn't stab you in your cheek, he will tell you all about how his mom used to talk about him being a special boy because he had "the hot dog and the bun."

6.) He is a very smelly man. Let's just say I have pieces of my feces that smell like a steak dinner compared to Stein. He smells so bad that the flies can't be near him. I can actually see the stink coming off of him like the cartoons. I suspect he does not properly clean the female portion of his anatomy.

7.) He is as hairy as a gorilla. There is nothing else to say about this. The mother fucker is hairy as a goddamned great ape.

8.) His favorite movie is Maid in Manhattan. He says the characters have such depth and really understand the hardship that is associated with life in the big city.
8a.) Stein lives in Butler PA.

9) Stein when he was 15 used to be lead vocalist in a boy band called "Soft BUTT SEXXy" He claims that it was just for the money and fame.
9a.) Only 6 people ever saw them perform. The 5 band members and a man Stein told me was their "record producer."
9b.) The "record producer" was last seen on "To Catch a Predator."

10.) Last but not least, he invented a game called "nipple sticks." Apparently it is when you stick something to your nipple using honey. Then the other person has to lick it off in a minute.
10a.) Stein is a sick fuck.

So there you have it. Stein in a nutshell. I hope you learned a little about one of your new contributors to this wonderful blog. I know I did! See you all nex post!

I Hate JVB!

John Van Benschoten is the worst Pitcher in history

Why is this no good bum still on the team? Not just on the big league squad, but any of the minor league affiliates, as well? He hasn't pitched a decent game since his first major league start 4 years ago, and yet we've set him to the mound three times this year. Awful! Bring up Yoslan Herera or some handicapped kid from the Make-A-Wish foundation. Either one would improve our chances of winning.

As it stands, The Buccos look like they are going to land about the same place they landed last year around the All-Star Break, about 8 games under .500. I love this team more than anybody but the pitching simply has to get better. Look out for my midseason report coming soon.

Speaking of Awful Commercials!

This commercial makes me want to throw up. First of all, The mother couldn't have died that long ago since the girls are rather young and I seriously doubt they would want their dad to go find a replacement mother. I mean remember how upset DJ, Stephanie, and Michelle were when Danny started dating again on Full House? Exactly.

Secondly, Where did the little girls get the just for men? Did they ride their bikes to the store and purchase it on their own? Who the fuck knows?!

Lastly, when the dad is on the date, who is watching the little girls? Apparently no one. What bad parenting. First he lets them ride their bikes alone to the store and then he leaves them home alone to while he's out with that skank. Just Awful.

Wednesday, July 9, 2008

If you see this, be afraid... very afraid

Beware the AAA sticker on the back of an automobile. Chances are it will contain within an old person aka. Killing Machine. The AAA bumper sticker is placed on an old persons death wagon so they have a way to remind themselves that the AAA service even exists. In the inevitable event that they will be in an accident, they can look on the bumper of their bloodied vehicle and remember to call good ole' AAA. No offence to old people. Actually, I take that back.... IN offence to old people. You ancient sons of bitches can't drive for shit. It's a terrifying situation to be driving in the close proximity to what I like to call "Mobile Olds" (A play on words with the car brand Oldsmobile. Aren't I just high-larious???). These moving mummies creep down the road driving across solid line after solid line with no regaurd for public safety. They drive around in 1976 Cadillac Tanks so when they hit something/someone the beast won't even scratch. The poor bastard on the other end however, will get demolished. So beware when you see a car that has a AAA sticker on the back. Nine times out of ten it will be a Mobile Old swurving down the road running over infants and unexpecting families. Another way to tell when grandfather time is close is when the registation sticker is put in more than one corner of the license plate. Only an old person or someone who is mentally deficient will put the sticker in any other corner than the one with the indentation (which is put on the liscence plate to idiot proof the sticker placement and guide people to the right doesn't work.). Nothing against people with mental disabilities (Stein) just keep an eye on anyone who puts the sticker in multiple corners of the license plate, they are horrendous drivers. If you see a license plate with a registation sticker in all 4 corners that means that this oldie has had the car for at least 4 years making them 4 years older than you or I anticipate. So, chances are they are at least 104. So take heed folks, there are old people everywhere and they WILL get you! You can thank me for these tips later.

Tuesday, July 8, 2008

Classic Uniforms

By now you have probably come to the conclusion that I am lazy. This is true. But instead of going through every division of every sport and taking a look to the past, I have decided to research some super sweet throwback uniforms and share them with you as I go along with this blog. One at a time. It will be fun, as we look back at history and poke fun at ugly uniforms and examine the cool ones too. I'll find a really cool classic uniform and then I'll post a picture of it and the team and give a little history about the team and what they did that season. Yadda, yadda. You get the picture. So without further delay, here is the first classic uniform!!!

The San Diego Padres are the first team we'll look at on Classic Uniforms. The only reason being when I searched "retro baseball uniforms" on Google, this was the first one to come up. But anyway, the San Diego Padres were brought into the major leagues in 1969 as an expansion franchise from the PCL (Pacific Coast League). That minor league club started as the Padres in 1937 and was actually led by a young Ted Williams, who is now preserved in a freezer someplace in the middle of nowhere. Anyhow, the Padres won the 1937 PCL title and in 1969 San Diego moved to the ranks of the Major Leagues. They stunk it up like most expansion franchises do, but they did it with some ugly uniforms. Now don't get me wrong, I love the logo. I think the old Padres logo is one of the coolest in baseball history, but lets face it, brown and yellow just don't do it for me. Come to think of it, I doubt that it does it for anyone, unless you are color blind and those colors look like orange and blue or some other happy horse shit. Anyway, the Padres had losing records each of their first six seasons, losing 100 or more games in four of those first six seasons. Their uniforms remained stained with piss and shit until 1984 when they actually made it to a World Series, but then lost to the Detroit Tiggers. Then like most teams do when they actually win, they tweaked their uniforms to include orange. So now they played with piss, shit and Agent Orange on their uniforms. Nice. Needless to say these uniforms didn't look any better, but Padres fans were anything but blessed in those early days in San Diego.

The Best Commercial Ever

In response to Trick's "Worst Commercial Ever", I bring you the "Best Commercial Ever". The ninja turtles know better than to do drugs and so does Billy or whatever the hell his name is. Stein, I hope you watch this and pay attention. I know you were in the same situation one time.

Worst Commercial of All Time?

This was by far the worst commercial ever made. It is not funny at all. It does not make me hungry. Actually it kind of makes me sick. Sick and very, very pissed off. Who comes up with this shit? If I was an advertising executive my conversation with my employee about this commercial would go a little like this.

"Boss, I have the greatest idea in the world. People will really want to go eat a sandwich after this. I'm super, super cereal"

"Alright Harry Johnson, what do you have for me? This better be good. Your last braindead idea about the old naked man forgetting to put on his pants really pissed people off, it was... I can't think of the word... repulsive. Old naked men and sandwiches don't go together unless you are an aging fat gay man or an aging fat prostitute. Those groups only represent a small percent of our customers. If this is as bad as that, I am going to kick you in the dick"

"I promise this one is good! Ok, so we have these creatures. It's like a retarded guinea pig, hamster thing we call a sponge monkey. Only he doesn’t have normal animal features has crooked and disgusting human teeth, bulging eyes and it can talk. Not only do the eyes and teeth bulge but they pulsate in a very unappealing manner. Isn't this great? Just wait, there's more! Not only does he talk, he sings and plays guitar and a very convoluted obnoxious way. I didn't get to the best part yet. His voice sounds like something dying. Imagine the most annoying sounding voice ever. Multiply it by ten and you've got our brand new Quizno's commercial!"


"Oh and they are wearing ridiculous hats. Isn't that the best idea anyone has ever had? I think I deserve a raise after this one! hardy har har!"

"Get the fuck out. Go home and kill yourself..... Now."

So there you have it. If I was in charge someone would have possibly killed themselves or been kicked in the dick as the result of even bringing up this wretched idea in my presence. But I guess someone thought this hideous stupid animal was just effing hilarious. For the longest time I never ate at Quizno's because of this terrible excuse for a commercial. I did try it once after the commercials had stopped for a while and was not all that impressed by the food. It was decent; I would have eaten it again. Then my girlfriend had to bring up this commercial to me and play it on YouTube. My hatred is stronger than ever and I will never eat at Quizno's again. Check out another example of the sad sack excuse for a commercial below. It is awful, just awful. Worse yet is the fact that people rated the commercials with like 4 and a half stars. I now have officially lost faith in the judgment of mankind. Thanks Quizno's you piece of shit.

Monday, July 7, 2008

TV Shows I Miss

Here is the first ever installment of "TV Shows I Miss". I will start doing this regularly until I feel like I don't want to do them anymore. I’m going to start off with a little known and sadly short lived show called Clone High. It was created by the same guys who do the now ABC comedy Scrubs. Clone High was ended way before it’s time and was one of my personal favorites. It was shown in an after school spot on MTV from November of 02’ to February of 03’. The reason for the show’s early departure was because people in India threatened to go on a hunger strike because of how the writers portrayed Gandhi as the non-stop party machine. I’m too lazy to type in the entire plot, so click on the link below to see the show’s intro which sums most of it up:

It revolved around the central characters of Abe Lincoln, Gandhi, Joan of Arc, JFK, and Cleopatra. Other cloned historical figures would pop up randomly throughout the show to add a little bit of flavor. The show played out like your typical teen drama, with love, sex, death, best friend betrayals, drinking, ADD and puberty. But instead of annoying people like James Vandertwat in "Dawson’s Creek," it was done with animated clones. Its point was to make a mockery of the typical teen drama, and it did so very effectively. Still the show had heart behind it that could not be denied, especially in later episodes that sadly did not get seen on MTV because the show was dropped after it's controversy. The writing was amazing and the humor was similar to Scrubs in a lot of ways. You really had to pay attention get some of the jokes and you actually needed to know a little about history to pick up on some of the references. Will Forte, Nicole Sullivan, Donald Faison, Michael McDonald, Christa Miller and a bunch of other people who you will see on Scrubs, lend the voice talent to the show. Special guests would appear usually every week like Jack Black, Marylin Manson, Mandy Moore, Tom Green, Ashley Parker Angel (my personal hero) and Michael J Fox as Gandhi’s remaining kidney. More importantly John Stamos also had a guest spot on the show (how about them apples bitches? Uncle Jesse is the bee’s knees). Bottom line, the show was T-riffic and if you go on youtube you can see more clips of the show like the one below. The thing that sucks donkey nuts for fans such as myself, is that the show came from Canada so if you want the DVD you have to do what I did and order it from the Canadian version of Amazon (And no they don't just sell syrup and copies of the John Candy movie Canadian Bacon. You racist bastards). Thus concludes the first ever installment of TV shows I miss, drink it up like a Daniel Plainview milkshake baby, because more of these bitches will be on the way.

Best of Clone High Episode 1 :

AsStro Kicking

I just finished eating a great homemade meal by my mommy and I thought it would be a good idea to sit down and enjoy a Pittsburgh Pirates baseball game. I was wrong. As I sit here, the top of the first inning has ended and the Buccos are already losing 3 to 0. "Funky" Phil Dumatrait gave up 4 hits in the first. Looks like I better find somthing else to do this evening, like building with lego's or somthing. Maybe I'll find a pussy to play with. Yeah, a nice pussy. I know what you perverts are thinking, but I mean a nice little kitten. MORONS!

UPDATE: I can't stop watching. I feel like that kid that can't stop wacking it even after his parents have caught him in the act, but thats another story for another day. The Bucco's have once again proved me wrong. The Pirates now lead the Astros 4 to 3 after one inning of play. Maybe I should stick this one out and leave the pussy...I mean kittens alone.
UPDATE: Nate The Great has just hit his 16th Home Run of the season to give the Buccos a 5 to 3 lead over the Astros.
UPDATE: The X-man (Xavier Nady) drives in J-Bay (Jason Bay) with a double. Buccos lead 6 to 3.
UPDATE: My mom keeps yelling at me to do somthing, so I guess I'll wrap this up. Right now the Buccos lead 6 to 3 with a runner on first and two outs in the top of the 3rd inning. I decided just now that it would be cool to do a post with older sports uniforms. Starting sometime this week I'll make a sweet list of the "classic" sports uniforms that aren't around anymore. It will be super sweet, so don't miss it! By the way leave a comment if you think this chipmunk that the Astros chose as their mascot is a complete faggot.
FINAL: Buccos Win! Buccos Win! The Buccos won this game 10 to 7 over the Houston Astros and their gay mascot. This is a big win for the Buccos considering they got the shit kicked out of them against The Brew Crew. Big win. Lets Go Bucs!

I'm the new prostitute on the street corner!

I fooled you!!! I'm not really a prostitute, I just said that to get your attention. I am however an excrutiatingly handsome fellow and I'm very happy to join "Classic Gang Only." We are here to inform you on sports, TV, Movies, Pop Culture, and the shape, size and color of our dookie and pee pee's! So get ready baby cause we are here to rock your socks clean the eff off. When all is said and done, when you read this blog I just hope you get a boner. That's all, just a boner. If you are a chick, then I hope you get a.... female boner??? Tell me how it turns out.

I'm The New Sheriff In Town!

I am sure that you are all wondering who the hell I am. Well for your information, I'm the newest member of this bad-ass team, aka The Classic Gang. Just so you all know, I was forced to arm wrestle Uncle Jesse for an excruciating 7 hours straight so I could become a member of this blog. So for those of you that don't think I belong, kiss my ass! And have a nice day.

Fool's Gold, More Like Tool's Gold!

Matthew McConaughey has a clause written into the contract of all
his movies stating he must be shirtless 92% of the time.

And Matthew McConaughey is quite the tool. I watched about 5 minutes of this movie the other day and then I decided poking myself with dirty needles would be a more productive way to spend my time.

For those of you who think Fool's Gold is a documentary about the mineral, Pyrite, you are sadly mistaken. From what I gathered this movie is about Kate Hudson and Matthew McConaughey searching for treasure and at the same time falling back in love. They even have sex in a church. Boy, does that McConaughey have class.

Thwarting their treasure hunting schemes is notorious rap mogul "Big Bunny" who owns the island where the treasure hunting is taking place. Also, McConaughey and Hudson ride a motorcycle to evade Big Bunny and his two man posse. Kate Hudson predictably hits her head on a tree branch, falls off, and gets captured, whereas McConaughey hits a fallen tree stump and tumbles into the water. That's about all I watched but I'm assuming a shirtless McConaughey saves Hudson, finds the treasure, and the two realize they are meant for each other. I could be wrong but I don't really care to find out.

The thing that really pissed my off about this movie was in the trailer before it first came out. There's a scene where McConaughey, probably shirtless, is flying a plane and Hudson exclaims, "Where'd you learn to fly like that?" to which McConaughey replies "Playstation!"

Wow, the writers, whom I assumed were women but upon further research discovered they were men, must have been racking their brains trying to get the male demographic to come and see this piece of garbage they call a film.

"How can we get men to come see our movie?" one asks during a meeting.

"Hmmmm, what do men like to do?" The other replies.

"Video Games! If we make a reference about Playstation and put it in the trailer, the men will flock to see it!"

"Hey, you may be onto something! I can see it now, a girl is trying to convince her boyfriend to come see the movie and he's unsure!"

"All she has to do is mention that there's Playstation in it, and he'll be more than happy to oblige."


Then the two assholes congratulate each other on a job well done.

The problem is that Playstation doesn't have a controller that looks like that. At all. Also, men are as stupid as everyone thinks. If they really wanted us to see their movie the trailer should have went more like this.

Hudson: Where'd you learn to fly like that?

McConaughey: Your mom taught me while I was having sex with her.

And that is why I should write every movie ever.