Saturday, July 19, 2008

Would You Rather?

It's Friday night! So as usual I'm sitting at home by myself. Totally Cool, I know. Anyway since the Pirates are getting the shit kicked out of them, I thought I'd introduce a new feature to the site and by new feature I mean I'll probably just do it this one time but who knows.

Stein and I like to play this game called would you rather where I will give him to horrible options to what he would rather do and he MUST pick one. It's a great game and we usually think of the most horrible shit imaginable. One day Stein chose a question that neither myself, or him, or anyone else could answer.

"Would you rather have sex with your mom or your dad?"
Luckily no one reported abuse!
Yahoo Answers is a place where people can post questions and anyone can answer them. I thought I would pose this question to the Answers Community under my alias "Bob Jamies" and this is what I got.

Daisy May doesn't even answer my question. She just says "Yes, EW! Lauren responds with a "NITHER you pervert." First off, learn to fucking spell! Secondly, I'm not a pervert. It's a perfectly honest question. BabeHeart obviously has read and knows the rules of Answers. It looks like I stand a fair chance of getting a violation notice! Oh No. I guess I should have answered that the rules of "Would You Rather?" require you to select at least one answer.

Opal1331 seems to assume I live in a trailer for asking such a question. Well Opal, the jokes on you! Trailer Park People can't spell let alone buy computers with the internets. Geez. Chery, who's obviously Australian, tells me "not to give up my day job." Well Gee, I probably shouldn't because I'll never be able to make it as a professional question asker on Yahoo Answers. Oh what will I do? Finally, Tinkerbell, who also neglects to answer my question, uses bad grammar, making me respect her even less.

For some reason Penelope I am a sick bunch of asterisks and asks me why I don't go have a threesome with my parents. Who's the sick one now? Tristan answers the question honestly so he is the one one of the 9 who answered who I don't think is a total moron although his answer is kind of iffy. Julie S's answer is just weird. I don't even think it's possible for a girl to have sex with a chocolate bar. But who am I to judge?

Well, I successfully wasted an hour.

I Just received a violation notice from yahoo. Apparently that was not an appropriate question to ask.

What The Buc?! Pirates vs. Rockies 7/19/08

5 hits 5 runs in 1 inning! Awesome.
So I'm watching the Bucco game on my dad's porch from my laptop. If you're a Pirates fan, you already know how its going. Shitty. The Pirates pitching staff with the exception of Paul Maholm has been total garbage this year. Littlefield really fucked up this team as we have no pitching depth in the minors. Johny V, Brian Bullington, Yoslan Herrera, all total garbage. As we speak it's 7-1. Great Job Pirates. I usually (and foolishly) don't give up on the Pirates season this early but it looks like this year I'm going to have to. It's a real shame because they actually have an offense that could contend. BLAH.

Wednesday, July 16, 2008

Dark Knight Review!!!

Holy Shit. I saw a pre screening of The Dark Knight tonight and it is bad ass. Everything you heard about Heath Ledger in the film is true. The man was AMAZING in the film (yes this is a film, not just a movie). In all ways it worked for what it was looking to do. I am partial to Christophen Nolan's movies, in my top 100 favorites, he's not got probably 4 spots on the list. The film hits the mark for everyone, it pleases the action fans with some great sequences that just make you say "damn, that was cool," it has the romance and heart that drama fans and chicks would like that make you say "oh man, thats rough", it's got one of the best villians of all time that makes you say "Heath Ledger will be missed the man is unreal in this role", it has crime that makes you say "I love bank heists", it has violence that makes you say "That trick that the Joker did was great." (just wait, watch for how the joker makes the pencil disappear), it has humor that makes you say "ha-ha", it has the cheesy one liners that makes you say "Oh Batman, you silly bastard" and most of all it has a great director at the helm that makes you say "Mr. Nolan, you've done it again." For all it's hype the movie exceeds expecations. It's long as hell at 2 and a half hours, but I was not bored once. What I found to be the coolest thing about the film was that even though it is a Batman movie, the supporting chracters are so dynamic. Where as most times the hero is the dynamic while most others are static. In this, most of the characters are challenged as much as Batman to change and be dynamic.... except the Joker. The mother fucker is just nuts. Still, like the character Anton that Javier Bardem plays in "No Country For Old Men" even in his insanity there is a level of value, integrity, honesty and more importantly intelligence that you need to have a supervillian. All around the acting was just superb. Especially by Ledger, Bale, and Eckhart who rocks the shit as Harvey Dent. I don't want to give any of the movie away and be the dick that spoils it for people. So, let's just say I'm probably going to have to see the movie again. Yes, even though I saw it for free it is good enough to drop the 9 bucks on to see again. So make sure you make a visit to your local movie house and check out this flick. The shit is for real, the hype is justified and it far exceeds the first installment. I would write a serious journalistic review, but fuck it. The movie is the shit check it out. Once you all actually see it I'll give my real insight into the film but I'm not going to get up on my high horse on a blog that is supposed to be humorous and talk about the cinematography (which is great by the way) and sound editing (also great). The Dark Kight is awesome so just fuckin see the thing will ya? The End

Monday, July 14, 2008

Jason Bice Around the World: The Big Kentucky Adventure

Me in a graveyard with Jesus!
This weekend I took a trip to Kentucky to see a Louisville Fire game and do other fun things in Louisville and boy was it eventful.
Girls are such skanks!
We left New Castle around 9:30 PM and stopped at the Wal-Mart to get some supplies. While walking through the aisles, my friend noticed a hot girl playing Guitar Hero. She was wearing those sweatpants that have words on the back so in order to read them you have to check out the girls ass! Yeah, they know what they're doing. Anyway, He told me to go find out what her pants said while he went and got some stuff so I did. Well...... I tried. I walked into the aisle and thought to myself, "This will be easy, I'll simply pretend I'm looking at video games and then look nonchalantly as I walk by." Simple enough. So I'm waiting for my chance to look, and waiting, and waiting, then I look and at the exact same time she looks over at me. So I look away real quick and pretend I'm looking at video games but I'm pretty sure she saw me and I never did find out what those freaking pants said!

"I say You He Dead."
After the Wal-Mart fiasco, we were on our way. I slept pretty much the whole way to Kentucky and in the morning, we got to visit a cemetery! This wasn't just any cemetery. Oh No! It was the cemetery where Colonel Sanders himself was buried! Also there was a magician buried there and his grave marker was a full statue of himself. It was pretty awesome and I think Stein should get the same kind of grave when he dies. Some president was buried there too but I don't remember who.

We followed up the trip to the cemetery with a trip to the zoo, which is always very common. The zoo was pretty uneventful but I did notice an unusually high number of pregnant women there. I noticed it when I went to the Pittsburgh Zoo last year as well. What is it with pregnant women and the zoo? It's just weird. Yuck. The part about the zoo I hate most was when I went into this little room, they shut both the doors, and they let all these birds our. The birds all fly around your head and land on you and shit. It was terrible. Some people enjoyed this and even purchased food for these stupid fucking things to eat out of their hands. But not me. Fuck those birds.

My view from the press box
That night we went to the Fire game. The fire is an arena league football team that plays in the same place the Louisville Cardinals play college basketball. The arena itself was pretty sweet. The Fire was down by two touchdowns with a minute left and came back to the the game with like 15 seconds remaining. How did they do this? Well in the arena league, the ball stops on every down when there is less than a minute left in the 4th quarter. It made the game more exciting but then they went and lost it with 15 seconds to go.

Finally, I went to a hotel and went to sleep since there were no skanks around.

The End.

It's A Love/Hate Thang

I was fortunate enough to be working the early shift this past Saturday at the good ole' booze outlet. Something strange happened in the first two or three hours that I was working. Everything that I loved and hated about my job at the current time, seemed to be occurring. And it got me thinking that I have one of the more unique jobs in the state of PA. I know some people have it worse (the guy that cleans toilets at Wal-Mart) and some have it great (Sid the Kid). But I by no means have it worse or great. I would say its an average job. As I was at work, I realized something special was happening. So I wasted no time making note of what I love and hate about my job.

One of the things that I hate is the dirtballs and riff-raff that come into the store. I mean, why the hell do some people go into a booze store and then hand you nasty, wet, disgusting money that 99 percent of the people in the world wouldn't want to touch? But somehow they seem to think that I don't mind touching it. Wrong! It is gross touching somebodies wet nasty money that I have not idea where its been. The skanks and whores are the same way. It's almost like they came from the same place, except theirs will smell like cigarette smoke. It's probably because they have been banging some rich guy for a little money, because lets face it skanks and whores do that sort of thing. Certain people make an impression on me too. For example there was an old lady that came in and I assumed (never assume anything) that she was a nice old lady, because old ladies are nice. This one was mean. She wen't to the wrong cash register, which was the one I wasn't working at. I said in a very nice tone, "Hello today ma'am, I can help you over here!" She simply looked up from her purse and looked down again. As I approached her she made a comment about it not being convenient having to go to the other register to check out since that one was closer to the door. She was very disgruntled and mean. I think she should have just gone back to her home and done everyone a favor and had a stroke. But nice people do come in. Like the guy with a bunch of baloons tied to his shopping buggy. I said, "looks like you are having a birthday party today." He rolled his eyes and said, "yeah." And then he cracked a funny. "Actually I just tied the baloons to the cart so I don't get lost." As silly as it seems, it made me chuckle. Things like that help me to relax when dealing with grumps and jerks. Some people still piss me off. Like this lady that always parks her car at the back of the store, walks around to the front door, says she wants a case of wine delivered to her car at the back and insists on doing this every time. How the fuck is that efficient? It makes so much more sense for her to leave her car up front. Instead I end up carrying a case of wine to the front of the store so she can pay for it and then back again cuz the old cunt doesn't realize how fucking dumb she is. She even looks like a fucking idiot too. GOD! Now that I have that off my chest, it's on to another great topic. MILF's.

I see lots of Milfs. Everyday. That is one of the perks of my job. They aren't all nice, but they do like to flirt a little, probably cuz the last time they got any was when their last kid was born 6 years ago and they are so busy driving them all over God's half acre they don't have any time to relax. But anyway that is a perk of my job. Hotties always come into the store too. That is great cuz it is always a high point of the day. This also allows me to joke with them. People always ask, "are we allowed to go back through the store with this alcohol we just bought?" and my response, depending on how hot and friendly the person is will either be, "yes" or "No. I think they charge a toll to go that way." It always brings a smile. I only joke with the ladies cuz they always smile about it.

A strange crowd comes in too. I guarentee nobody has ever heard anyone say that your doors open the wrong way at their job, or that people who come into the store all the time (at least twice a week) still manage to end up on the wrong side of the cash register. Only at a booze outlet. I also deal with A-list celebrities, such as Craig Wilson, Tom Gorzolanny, Doug Meinkiwitcz and Mike Tomszak. It's a tough job but somebody has got to do it.

Soon it will all end. But remember, selling booze is not a glamourous job, especially when dealing with the alcoholics. They always have the "shakes" when they check out, which is funny. Serves them right for letting alcohol control their lives. Just don't kill me when you drive home drunk from the store. I'll haunt your ass for the rest of your life on earth!