Saturday, August 30, 2008

10 Things I Hate About Bones!

Introducing our newest blogger!

In honor of our newest blogger, Bones, I was going to compile a list of 10 things I hated about him. Then I realized that there are so many things I despise about this rat bastard, that there's no possible way I could cut them down into a list that small. So instead, I'll give you 10 important facts that everyone should know in case they ever have the displeasure of seeing Bones on the street.
1. Bones is an internet sensation

A couple years ago, I helped Bones make a music video for a class to the classic Wham! hit "Jitterbug". Soon after uploading it online, the video reached over 100,000 views and apparently everyone in the small town Bones is from had seen it. Ever since, Bones has considered his success "a Blessing and a curse."

2. Bones is really Pau Gasol
Take a good look at the person on the left, now look at the person on the right. One of these people is Bones, the other is Los Angeles Lakers Forward Pau Gasol. Both are tall, skinny, white, and can't dance. In fact these two are so similar that they must be the same person. Bones is Pau and Pau is Bones. Now you may be wondering how he pulled off going to college with me and playing in the NBA at the same time. Well it's quite simple really. In school, we always accused Bones of being lazy since all he ever did was sleep. Sure, we would try and wake him up but he'd just lay there. My guess is that Bones would just leave a lifelike doll of himself lying around so we wouldn't get suspicious. Well played Bones, well played!

3. Video Games put the Fucks to Bones

It's true. Everytime Bones plays Mario Kart against us and loses, he exclaims "They Put The Fucks To Me." Apparently, the video game knows what controller Bones is using and does everything it can to make him lose. Artificial Intelligence has really made strides hasn't it.

4. Bones Loves Miller Lite

And who doesn't. Miller Lite is such a delicious beer. On weekends, Bones can be seen sharing a round at Double Play with Crippler, Junior, and Dan Potash. Good friends. Good Beer. That's what Bones always says.

5. I Beat Bones in a Best of 7 Beer Pong Tournament

Everyone else was gone one weekend so Bones and I decided we would have a best of 7 beer pong tournament. The loser would have to wear a bracelet with "Get this Party Started" inscribed on it. I quickly went down 3-1 but came back and won 3 straight matches to win the tourney. Then it was like 10 o'clock and we were too drunk and tired to do anything else, so we went to sleep.

6. Bones likes Men

Not that there's anything wrong with it, but Bones won't admit it. Recently, he has been slipping up, though. Point in Case: The other day, Bones' Dad said he was going to hop in the shower and Bones said "I'll be right behind you." Not gay enough for you? Well, later that night Bones was at the bar talking about how he gets worried when he doesn't know where Junior is. "He'll come up behind me and I'll either get a dick in the ass OR something bad might happen," he said. Gee Bones, a dick in the ass would constitute "something bad happening" if indeed you were straight.

7. Bones is responsible for 9/11

He's also responsible for such travesties as Hurricane Katrina, AIDS, and the Pirates 16 losing seasons.

8. Bones hates Matthew Perry
According to Bones, Matthew Perry is a fat coke head. I don't recall Matthew Perry being fat or a coke head. I think Bones is just trying to keep his love of "Friends" a secret. I got him a "Friends" party pack for Christmas one year and he gave it away. After I had taken all that time to find the perfect gift. Some friend....

OK, those are all the facts I can think of to describe Bones. That, and I'm too lazy to talk about him any more. If someone wants to contribute more facts, be my guest.

Penny Pincher

So the other day I was in the food court of the mall that I work at as a manager at Hollister. I decide that I want some tasty fake Chinese food so I make my way over to Panda Express. If you are not familiar with this food eatery, it is delicious. Let's just say if it were to come out today that they serve cat and dog, I would still consider eating it. So I tell the kind woman behind the counter that I would like some Bejing Beef, Orange Chicken and Chow Mein; a delightful combination. So, she puts the items on my plate and sends me down the line to the cash register where another smiling face is awaiting me to pay for my meal. I order a Dr. Pepper because it makes me aroused and tell her my order is then complete. So the total cost of my meal is $7.88. I hand the woman a 10 and say "Here kind woman is my legal tender for my wonderful meal I am about to indulge upon." She then hands me 2 dollars. Then she is about to hand me the reciept and change when as she opens her hand the 12 cents drops to the floor. She apologises and I say. "No need madam, these things happen." So I bend down and pick up my dime. Then I pick up my first penny. As I am about to pick up the second penny fucking grandfather time standing next to me bends down and picks up MY penny and puts it in HIS pocket. WHAT THE FUCK??? The old bastard was standing next to me the whole time. He knew it was my penny, he saw and heard it fall from the kind chashier's hand. The fucker even saw me bending down to pick it up. At first I thought he was being nice and bending down to give it to me and I was going to say "Aw, bless your heart you old bag of bones!" But no, the dickhead stole my penny. I sat in awe for about 30 seconds and was about to tell him that I wanted my penny back and that I would break his frail hip if he did not honor my wishes. But I then realized it was just a penny and threatening the old man with physical harm might cause him to have a heart attack. Even though it was just a penny, it was still my penny and old man winter stole it from me. Old people suck. That's it for now. Later

Tuesday, August 26, 2008

Fantasy Football 2008 Preview

Is it pathetic that one of the highlights of my life is an annual fantasy football draft? Probably, but by God its one of my favorite days of the year! Where else can a group of assholes like my friends and I compete and rip on each other at high levels without any form of exercise whatsoever? Nowhere! So for the past five years, I've had one goal: To Beat Bones.

So this year, I invite you to look in on our league to see how Fantasy Football is really played.

But before I do, Let me introduce you to the gang and give you a preview of the upcoming season.
3time 3time 3time
Owner: Bones
Exp: 4 years
Overall Record: 34-20-2
Best Finish: 1st (twice)
Worst Finish: 3rd
Playoff Appearances: 4
If there's one person I wish would lose all his games, it would be Bones. Not because he's pretty much ruled the league since it's inception 2004 but more because I just generally wish ill-will upon him in whatever he does. As much as I hate to admit it, Bones generally picks up a good team whether it be through the draft or on the waiver wire. This year his starting line-up looks pretty solid. Roethlisberger is a top 5 QB and LT is LT. Lee Evans is, as always iffy and I think Michael "the Burner" Turner is going to have a breakout season. As for his bench, Rudi Johnson, who is currently getting shopped, has a lot to prove. Crayton is a good sleeper, and Joey Galloway is always good for being old and catching balls.

2008 Prediction: Bones will lose all his games except when he faces Dan.

Owner: Rhoades
Exp: 4 years
Overall Record: 28-25-3
Best Finish: 1st
Worst Finish: 6th
Playoff Appearance:2
The leagues inaugural champion, Old Rhoadesy looks to have a season without a tie. My worry about Rhoades' team is that a lot of these guys have missed time, or will miss time due to injury, (or in Brandon Marshall's case, suspension.) Donavan Mcnabb has been a solid QB when he's been healthy but with injuries to Coles, Chad Johnson, and Reggie Brown his wide receivers are definitely suspect. Larry Johnson should have a decent year, except the Chief's lack of a passing game is going to hurt there. Frank Gore will probably be awesome, especially since I hate him. Props on the Mendenhall pick though, as long as he can keep his hands on the ball, he'll be a viable option.

2008 Prediction: It's tough to tell, I think if his receivers stay healthy, Rhoades could make the playoffs, but that's a big if.

Chinese Chopsticks
Owner: Chan
Exp: 4 Years
Overall Record:27-29
Best Finish: 4th
Worst Finish: 8th
Playoff Appearances: 1
If we were playing this Fantasy Football in China, Chan would surely win the league. Not because his team is better than ours, but more because the Chinese cheated in the Olympics, so why stop there? Actualy, Chan's team is looking a lot stronger than I initially thought, especially if Peyton Manning is healthy. Fitzgerald, Holt, Holmes, and Ward are some pretty decent receivers. Steven Jacksona and Brandon Jacobs are good. Lendale White is a fat ass, and I'm not so sure how many carries Justin Fargas is going to get so hopefully his top two backs don't get injured. If all goes well, I can see Chinese Chopsticks being a strong contender in this league.

2008 Prediction: With a healthy Manning, Chan finishes at least 3rd.

Jimmy Fallon Rocks

Owner: Bice
Exp: 4 years
Overall Record: 30-26
Best Finish: 2nd
Worst Finish: 8th
Playoff Appearances: 2
If Jesus were to draft a team, it would most certainly look like this. I have the Drew/ Marques Colston combo going in the Saint's pass happy offense. Harrison, Driver, and Cotchery will also get their fair share of TD's as well. Running Back wise Joseph Addai and Ryan Grant are clearly top fantasy backs. Thomas Jones is going to have a huge year and LJ Smith is going to become the top TE in th league. Overall, an awesome draft for old Bicer.

2008 Prediction: 1st place. 14-0.

Oriental Avenue
Owner: Dan
Exp: 4 years
Overall Record: 30-26
Best Finish: 3rd
Worst Finish: 7th
Playoff Appearances: 2
Dan is probably the worst player in Fantasy Football history. Every player he chooses is just so God Awful, I don't know why we even let him in the league. He's a total disgrace. Carson Palmer?! Awful! TJ Douchemanzadah?! Hurt and a prick! Bouldin wants a trade. Santana Moss sucks! Kevin Curtis is hurt. Marshawn Lynch is probably the only good player on his team. I wouldn't be suprised if Neil Rackers is his points leader this year. Honestly. Just Awful.

2008 Prediction: 0-14

Brutus B. Rowns
Owner: Timmy
Exp: 4 years
Overall Record: 25-29-2
Best Finish: 4th
Worst Finish: 8th
Playoff Appearances: 1
Timmy should have won the entire league last year. How you have guys like Brady, Moss, LT, and Braylon Edwards, and then not make the playoffs is beyond me. This year he has Brady and Moss back and although they probably won't reach the milestones they did last year, they'll still win him a few games. After those two, however, his team is all suspect. Maroney and McGahee are not strong backs, especially since McGahee hasn't even played this preseason. Calvin Johnson may be a good sleeper but other than that I'm not too impressed.

2008 Prediction: With awful teams like Dan's and Bones's, Timmy will go .500.

Make It RainOwner: Gus
Exp: 1 year
Overall Record: 10-4
Best Finish:2
During last year's draft everyone made fun of Gus's team. Then he went and came in 2nd place. So no more of that. I've got to say, I hate Tony Romo. He never is good for a whole season, especially not when you need him but maybe Jessica Simpson won't show up to any of his games this year. TO is getting up there in age but still effective. Willie Parker is great but rarely gets in the end zone. Adrian Peterson could carry his team for a few weeks and those two rookie running backs could help carry the load.

2008 Prediction: Gus finishes second again after I kick the shit out of him in the championship game.

Owners: Crippler and Dan Potash
Exp: RookieCrippler is the new kid on the block and it shows because he drafted Jay Cutler, who I think is worthless. Braylon Edwards, Andre Johnson, and Wes Welker are pretty decent receivers. Westbrook is fantastic. Portis is a weirdo and Earnest Graham sucks. Hopefully Dan Potash will call Crippler periodically to give him so good advice or he might hang himself on his bow flex.

2008 Prediction: He'll win like 5 games.

Commercials I Hate: Let's Vent!

I hate pretty much everything about this commercial. Let's start at the beginning. Johnny Blue Shirt is casually sitting with his hand on his girlfriends leg while she's reading some bridal magazine. Too bad she'll soon discover her douche bag boyfriend likes men and her little dream wedding ain't ever gonna happen. But that's another commercial for another time. So they are sitting there, kind of awkwardly, when the phone rings. It's Brad and from the way Captain Asshat is talking on the phone, there's cause for concern that resonates all over the faces of the aforementioned Asshat and his girl. Asshat explains that Brad really needs to vent and his girlfriend promptly tells him he should go. Next Asshat shows up on Brad's doorstep and WAIT A MINUTE! This is a beer commercial. It looks like old Johnny Blue Shirt and Brad have managed to outsmart the unknowing girlfriend by saying he was going to vent. Well he wasn't lying, the vent he was referring to was on the can of shitty Coors Light. It's the perfect plan. Now Asshat and Brad can get tanked on their pissy beer and have sex with each other and the girlfriend is none the wiser. Apparently nowadays, men need to devise elaborate schemes to go do things with their friends. Lame.