10 Things I Hate About Bones!

Introducing our newest blogger!

In honor of our newest blogger, Bones, I was going to compile a list of 10 things I hated about him. Then I realized that there are so many things I despise about this rat bastard, that there's no possible way I could cut them down into a list that small. So instead, I'll give you 10 important facts that everyone should know in case they ever have the displeasure of seeing Bones on the street.

1. Bones is an internet sensation

A couple years ago, I helped Bones make a music video for a class to the classic Wham! hit "Jitterbug". Soon after uploading it online, the video reached over 100,000 views and apparently everyone in the small town Bones is from had seen it. Ever since, Bones has considered his success "a Blessing and a curse."

2. Bones is really Pau Gasol

Take a good look at the person on the left, now look at the person on the right. One of these people is Bones, the other is Los Angeles Lakers Forward Pau Gasol. Both are tall, skinny, white, and can't dance. In fact these two are so similar that they must be the same person. Bones is Pau and Pau is Bones. Now you may be wondering how he pulled off going to college with me and playing in the NBA at the same time. Well it's quite simple really. In school, we always accused Bones of being lazy since all he ever did was sleep. Sure, we would try and wake him up but he'd just lay there. My guess is that Bones would just leave a lifelike doll of himself lying around so we wouldn't get suspicious. Well played Bones, well played!

3. Video Games put the Fucks to Bones

It's true. Everytime Bones plays Mario Kart against us and loses, he exclaims "They Put The Fucks To Me." Apparently, the video game knows what controller Bones is using and does everything it can to make him lose. Artificial Intelligence has really made strides hasn't it.

4. Bones Loves Miller Lite

And who doesn't. Miller Lite is such a delicious beer. On weekends, Bones can be seen sharing a round at Double Play with Crippler, Junior, and Dan Potash. Good friends. Good Beer. That's what Bones always says.

5. I Beat Bones in a Best of 7 Beer Pong Tournament

Everyone else was gone one weekend so Bones and I decided we would have a best of 7 beer pong tournament. The loser would have to wear a bracelet with "Get this Party Started" inscribed on it. I quickly went down 3-1 but came back and won 3 straight matches to win the tourney. Then it was like 10 o'clock and we were too drunk and tired to do anything else, so we went to sleep.

6. Bones likes Men

Not that there's anything wrong with it, but Bones won't admit it. Recently, he has been slipping up, though. Point in Case: The other day, Bones' Dad said he was going to hop in the shower and Bones said "I'll be right behind you." Not gay enough for you? Well, later that night Bones was at the bar talking about how he gets worried when he doesn't know where Junior is. "He'll come up behind me and I'll either get a dick in the ass OR something bad might happen," he said. Gee Bones, a dick in the ass would constitute "something bad happening" if indeed you were straight.

7. Bones is responsible for 9/11

He's also responsible for such travesties as Hurricane Katrina, AIDS, and the Pirates 16 losing seasons.

8. Bones hates Matthew Perry

According to Bones, Matthew Perry is a fat coke head. I don't recall Matthew Perry being fat or a coke head. I think Bones is just trying to keep his love of "Friends" a secret. I got him a "Friends" party pack for Christmas one year and he gave it away. After I had taken all that time to find the perfect gift. Some friend....

OK, those are all the facts I can think of to describe Bones. That, and I'm too lazy to talk about him any more. If someone wants to contribute more facts, be my guest.