Monday, July 7, 2008

Fool's Gold, More Like Tool's Gold!

Matthew McConaughey has a clause written into the contract of all
his movies stating he must be shirtless 92% of the time.

And Matthew McConaughey is quite the tool. I watched about 5 minutes of this movie the other day and then I decided poking myself with dirty needles would be a more productive way to spend my time.

For those of you who think Fool's Gold is a documentary about the mineral, Pyrite, you are sadly mistaken. From what I gathered this movie is about Kate Hudson and Matthew McConaughey searching for treasure and at the same time falling back in love. They even have sex in a church. Boy, does that McConaughey have class.

Thwarting their treasure hunting schemes is notorious rap mogul "Big Bunny" who owns the island where the treasure hunting is taking place. Also, McConaughey and Hudson ride a motorcycle to evade Big Bunny and his two man posse. Kate Hudson predictably hits her head on a tree branch, falls off, and gets captured, whereas McConaughey hits a fallen tree stump and tumbles into the water. That's about all I watched but I'm assuming a shirtless McConaughey saves Hudson, finds the treasure, and the two realize they are meant for each other. I could be wrong but I don't really care to find out.

The thing that really pissed my off about this movie was in the trailer before it first came out. There's a scene where McConaughey, probably shirtless, is flying a plane and Hudson exclaims, "Where'd you learn to fly like that?" to which McConaughey replies "Playstation!"

Wow, the writers, whom I assumed were women but upon further research discovered they were men, must have been racking their brains trying to get the male demographic to come and see this piece of garbage they call a film.

"How can we get men to come see our movie?" one asks during a meeting.

"Hmmmm, what do men like to do?" The other replies.

"Video Games! If we make a reference about Playstation and put it in the trailer, the men will flock to see it!"

"Hey, you may be onto something! I can see it now, a girl is trying to convince her boyfriend to come see the movie and he's unsure!"

"All she has to do is mention that there's Playstation in it, and he'll be more than happy to oblige."


Then the two assholes congratulate each other on a job well done.

The problem is that Playstation doesn't have a controller that looks like that. At all. Also, men are as stupid as everyone thinks. If they really wanted us to see their movie the trailer should have went more like this.

Hudson: Where'd you learn to fly like that?

McConaughey: Your mom taught me while I was having sex with her.

And that is why I should write every movie ever.

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