The lord works in mysterious ways... (Michael Phelps)

I realized something today. There is definitely a God. If you find what you are meant to do in the world, the big guy upstairs will hook you up. Michael Phelps is hideous. Without a shadow of a doubt, he is one of the goofiest looking people on the planet. The thing is, the dude is incredible. Men, women, and all those in the animal kingdom would probably bang the guy just because he is an amazing athlete and rich as hell. Like I said, I don't like to make fun of ugly people because I could have been born that way too. I think it's not cool to make fun of people who can't help it. I'm not making fun of Phelps. I'm just stating that the man is awful looking, and that he is the Lance Armstrong of swimming. It's insane. It's true that God did not bless him with charm, good looks or a fully functional brain. So What? Because God did bless him with the ability to swim like a mo fo and have more money and fame than I could ever imagine. Oh yeah and all those gold medals. So, next time you say, "there is no God," and "What did God ever do for me?" Just look a little harder cause you could be ugly as shit and end up being the most dominant athlete in the world.

Real FNL Spoilers!

A while back I wrote a post about my favorite drama Friday Night Lights, detailing what was to come in season 3. Well, apparently I was wrong with all my predictions and have found 2 links that discuss what is really going to happen. If you're a fan of the show (which you should be) you'll want to check these out.

The Ausiello Files

Hollywood Insider

Some Notes: I felt kind of cheated that we don't get to see what played out from season 2 due to the writers strike but judging from these articles it looks like we're headed for some major story lines in season 3. It's kind of sad that Smash and Street are leaving. It's also sad that this is the last year for most of the main cast since they are all graduating. I'm glad they are putting more focus on the Matt/Landry relationship though. I'm looking forward to Matt telling Landry he's retarded about 500 more times this year.

The Thief of the Traveling Pants

So, I was working a remote for the top 40 station here in Pittsburgh KISS at Sandcastle. For those unfamiliar with Sandcastle, it is a water park with slides, pools, food, tubes, and most of all it's chalk full of some of the wierdest people you will ever come across in your life. This day was no exception. Ok so don't get me wrong. There are normal people there, just not many. Well, I'm working this remote and we are playing guitar hero for some prizes. There were 3 girls all about 12 years old playing the game and talking with me and the DJ Tall Cathy. They were all normal and actually very nice girls. For being such good sports we decided to give them a bag and movie passes to go see a pre-screening of "Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants 2" the sequel to one of Stiens favorite movies. Along with the girls playing the game there was a creeper floating around doing at first what I thought was just normal creeper activites, but he exceeded my expectations in his creeperness. This man was at least 60 and had a pretty bad skin condition. I'm not going to make fun of the skin condition because that is not his fault and I would hate to have anything like that happen to me. So, it kind of actually made me feel bad for the guy. Kind of like how I feel bad for really ugly people because I could have been born that way too and they don't deserve the shit that people give them. But still, I don't know if a water park is the correct place to be if such a condition exists. I know I would not be one to go to a water park if I had that same problem. Well, this fellow comes up to our table and asks "What do I need to do to win a prize?" So I say. "Just play a game of guitar hero and we can give you any of the things we have." He said nothing in response to this, and went back to hovering behind a bunch or little girls and other wierd activites that his type engauges in. So, we place the prizes on the table for the girls to pick up when they finish the game. When they finished, one of the movie passes was no longer on the table. Tall Cathy and I both knew we gave them a prize but it was gone. Just as TC hand the girl another pass I notice the creeper slinking away. Sure as shit, with hands hidden behind his back so we didn't notice, he is holding a movie pass that he stole from our table. Ok now first off, you just stole something for which you need a kick in the dick. Secondly, it was stolen from a radio station that I'm pretty sure you have never heard of in your life. Third, it was stolen from a little girl, who did nothing to you whatsoever. Fourth it was fuckin "Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants 2". Not sure, but I don't think that it's the type of movie a 60 year old man really goes to see. Then again, he might go in to the theatre and touch himself. He might have been that kind of guy cause i'm telling you he was creepy. I was going to go after him but It was just not worth it. Later, he acually had the nerve to come back to the table. I think he was going to try to steal something else but I would have none of it. I was just watching him like a hawk and he left without more of our stuff. It was strange. Well, that's it. Later.

Ape Legs, Morons and The Lights Went Out!

Something very strange happened to me at work, aka the Booze Warehouse. At about noon on Saturday, the lights went out, literally. We still had electricity, but the lights went out, literally. And so we had to continue working with only the sun's rays to keep our store lit. It was very strange and is by far the only time in my life I have heard of anything like this. I finished before dark, but I took great happiness in asking people that had to work how they liked sitting in the dark, since that was what they would have to do. I also made comments about how they better get used to using flashlights and giving guided tours of the store since people cannot see in the dark. Nobody thought it was funny except the old guy that has nothing to live for. Go figure. But anyway today when I had to work the lights were still out! The best part was that we had electricity. I knew this would be good. I had to hold back though. Every person that came in and asked, "gee are you open?" I wanted to say, "No. I just come to this store when I feel the need to masturbate!" Idiots. But it got better. After people would shop around and then come to me to pay, they seemed to always say "What happened? No power?" NO DUMBSHIT! The radio just fucking plays and the safety lights stay on when the power is out! WTF? I think this job is killing me, but it didn't stop there. Next was "Ape Legs". Who is this strange creature? Well he is pretty much an asshole that doesn't know how to tell time. Ape Legs came into the store as we were closing (actually about four and a half minutes before). He grabbed his wine and then was like, gee nothing is on sale? Well asswipe, we needed to take the tickets down since the new sale starts tomorrow (for those that wish to shop) and we didnt expect your hairy ass in here three minutes before close. Dumb fuck. Anyway he did eventually leave, but the reason I call him Ape Legs is because he may be the harriest fuck, other than me. He seriously looked like Sasquatch in shorts. Gross. Thats what I deal with everyday.

Also, a good friend of the site, Steve Braband, is a ESPN star. Steve is promoting ESPN Sportscenter, going live or some other shit in 14 days. He has his own website, and periodically shows up during commercials, which is cool. Congrats Steve, I hope your success allows me to get a job at ESPN soon. Here is a link to the webpage: Steve Is Live

Succo's Trade

It's not positive yet but we just got word that Nady and Marte are out for some bums from the shit stain Yankees. Nice job fellas, way to work it through. So we get rid of one of our decent relief pitchers and one of our most consistantly solid players for an average relief pitcher and some minor league bums. Fuck that. The Pirates after shitting the bed after the all star break this is all we need. It's bottom of the 7th and we are losing 6-4. So we are probably going to lose after a string of a few good wins. Duke let up 5 today and pretty much licks male genitals. Remember when he was supposed to become our ace? Well he blows along with our other starting pitchers. Maholm, who was been the sole bright spot has been doing well and I will not complain about him. Still, we needed a starting pitcher and should have gotten one out of Nady and we easily could have. Not some turds who play in AA. I may be wrong and these guys develop into great players. But we will probably trade them when they start to produce anyways. Trading Nady will not help us reach .500 for the first time since I was a little kid pissing in my pants. I support the Pirates with every inch of myself. I love to go to games and I love to watch them on TV. I love the sports teams of this fine city like they are my children. And when your child does something stupid you still want to smack them on the ass. Well Succos, if you were my child, with the dumb shit you do, your ass would be red as those lame ass jerseys you are rocking.

TV Shows I Miss

Here we are for another piece of journalistic triumph from your friend Trick called: TV Shows I Miss. Last time we took a look at Clone High, an amazing show that got the shit can way before it ran it's course. Now, I'm going to take a look back to my childhood to recall a bad-ass cartoon called "The Real Ghostbusters."



The show was based off of the movie of the same name. It's about some scientists who catch and... Look if you don't know what Ghostbusters is you need punched in the testicles/ovaries so you can't spread your seed and populate the world with more sad excuses for humans like yourself. The show was the reason my childhood was not lame. I could have been watching Barney, or some stupid ass show like Power Rangers but no, I was watching some dudes beat the shit out of ghosts and all things evil. Now, there was another cartoon that was on around the same time called just "Ghostbusters," I'm not gonna lie, I watched the shit. However, I look back and wish I could kick my own ass because it was a cheap excuse for a cartoon. There was a damn gorilla that was busting ghosts.




What the Fuck ?????


Shit was just dumb. A gorilla would kill both of those cockbags way before he would bust ghosts. The show was based off of a 70's show that had two goof balls and a gorilla doing stupid shit. Look, I understand that this was the "origial ghostbusters" but it's pretty fuckin lame to have an ape (like Stein) running around trying to bust some demons and shit. Fuck that show.



"The Real Ghostbusters" was the bomb because the movies it was based on kicked ass and had some of the best comedians ever. I miss being a kid sitting on my couch and watching it and saying "oh Slimer, how I wish your were my friend. Oh man I just wee wee'd in my pants." Then come August I would be looking forward for my birthday where I could get a plastic proton pack from my parents and go outside and find some dick head ghosts to catch. Now, I loathe my birthday cause it's another reason for my family to get together and engauge in more depressing talk about which one of thier friends died or is in the hospital and how thier bowel movements are coming along. To be young....


So there you have it again folks your most recent intallment of TV Shows I Miss. Until next time... watch some hilarity from the show.

How Many Senses Do You Have?

Something funny happened the other day. I was at work (the booze outlet) and one of our fine customers decided that it was time to head home after making their choice on what to get fucked up on that day. This individual has been into the store several times. I was stationed at a register that was all alone near the exit. The register has nothing on either sides, so it could be confusing as to which side to go to. If you have any common sense, you would guess that it would be the side that lines up with the exit door. But this individual, who I will not name because I don't know it, goes to the wrong side. This person has been into the store several times, as I mentioned earlier. WHAT A FUCKING MORON! Who makes stupid choices like this. Apparently this douche bag and his thick, black rimmed glasses. He looks like a total nerd, overweight and dorky looking. What a waste.

Also, Bob Smizik wrote another lame editorial in which he calls Pittsburghers "knuckleheads" for wanting to boo Marian Hossa. Well no shit Smizik, what should we do: cheer him for taking us to a cup final, missing the last shot of the season, and then stabbing us all in the back and fleeing for Detroit. Why don't you all do us a fucking favor Bob and retire so that some college kid can get a job and actually contribute to society instead of writing pessimisstic articles. You beetle browed fuck!

SMIZIK DOESN'T WANT FANS TO ACT LIKE FANS

Would You Rather?

It's Friday night! So as usual I'm sitting at home by myself. Totally Cool, I know. Anyway since the Pirates are getting the shit kicked out of them, I thought I'd introduce a new feature to the site and by new feature I mean I'll probably just do it this one time but who knows.

Stein and I like to play this game called would you rather where I will give him to horrible options to what he would rather do and he MUST pick one. It's a great game and we usually think of the most horrible shit imaginable. One day Stein chose a question that neither myself, or him, or anyone else could answer.

"Would you rather have sex with your mom or your dad?"

Luckily no one reported abuse!

Yahoo Answers is a place where people can post questions and anyone can answer them. I thought I would pose this question to the Answers Community under my alias "Bob Jamies" and this is what I got.

Daisy May doesn't even answer my question. She just says "Yes, EW! Lauren responds with a "NITHER you pervert." First off, learn to fucking spell! Secondly, I'm not a pervert. It's a perfectly honest question. BabeHeart obviously has read and knows the rules of Answers. It looks like I stand a fair chance of getting a violation notice! Oh No. I guess I should have answered that the rules of "Would You Rather?" require you to select at least one answer.

Opal1331 seems to assume I live in a trailer for asking such a question. Well Opal, the jokes on you! Trailer Park People can't spell let alone buy computers with the internets. Geez. Chery, who's obviously Australian, tells me "not to give up my day job." Well Gee, I probably shouldn't because I'll never be able to make it as a professional question asker on Yahoo Answers. Oh what will I do? Finally, Tinkerbell, who also neglects to answer my question, uses bad grammar, making me respect her even less.

For some reason Penelope I am a sick bunch of asterisks and asks me why I don't go have a threesome with my parents. Who's the sick one now? Tristan answers the question honestly so he is the one one of the 9 who answered who I don't think is a total moron although his answer is kind of iffy. Julie S's answer is just weird. I don't even think it's possible for a girl to have sex with a chocolate bar. But who am I to judge?

Well, I successfully wasted an hour.

UPDATE
I Just received a violation notice from yahoo. Apparently that was not an appropriate question to ask.

What The Buc?! Pirates vs. Rockies 7/19/08

5 hits 5 runs in 1 inning! Awesome.
So I'm watching the Bucco game on my dad's porch from my laptop. If you're a Pirates fan, you already know how its going. Shitty. The Pirates pitching staff with the exception of Paul Maholm has been total garbage this year. Littlefield really fucked up this team as we have no pitching depth in the minors. Johny V, Brian Bullington, Yoslan Herrera, all total garbage. As we speak it's 7-1. Great Job Pirates. I usually (and foolishly) don't give up on the Pirates season this early but it looks like this year I'm going to have to. It's a real shame because they actually have an offense that could contend. BLAH.

Dark Knight Review!!!

Holy Shit. I saw a pre screening of The Dark Knight tonight and it is bad ass. Everything you heard about Heath Ledger in the film is true. The man was AMAZING in the film (yes this is a film, not just a movie). In all ways it worked for what it was looking to do. I am partial to Christophen Nolan's movies, in my top 100 favorites, he's not got probably 4 spots on the list. The film hits the mark for everyone, it pleases the action fans with some great sequences that just make you say "damn, that was cool," it has the romance and heart that drama fans and chicks would like that make you say "oh man, thats rough", it's got one of the best villians of all time that makes you say "Heath Ledger will be missed the man is unreal in this role", it has crime that makes you say "I love bank heists", it has violence that makes you say "That trick that the Joker did was great." (just wait, watch for how the joker makes the pencil disappear), it has humor that makes you say "ha-ha", it has the cheesy one liners that makes you say "Oh Batman, you silly bastard" and most of all it has a great director at the helm that makes you say "Mr. Nolan, you've done it again." For all it's hype the movie exceeds expecations. It's long as hell at 2 and a half hours, but I was not bored once. What I found to be the coolest thing about the film was that even though it is a Batman movie, the supporting chracters are so dynamic. Where as most times the hero is the dynamic while most others are static. In this, most of the characters are challenged as much as Batman to change and be dynamic.... except the Joker. The mother fucker is just nuts. Still, like the character Anton that Javier Bardem plays in "No Country For Old Men" even in his insanity there is a level of value, integrity, honesty and more importantly intelligence that you need to have a supervillian. All around the acting was just superb. Especially by Ledger, Bale, and Eckhart who rocks the shit as Harvey Dent. I don't want to give any of the movie away and be the dick that spoils it for people. So, let's just say I'm probably going to have to see the movie again. Yes, even though I saw it for free it is good enough to drop the 9 bucks on to see again. So make sure you make a visit to your local movie house and check out this flick. The shit is for real, the hype is justified and it far exceeds the first installment. I would write a serious journalistic review, but fuck it. The movie is the shit check it out. Once you all actually see it I'll give my real insight into the film but I'm not going to get up on my high horse on a blog that is supposed to be humorous and talk about the cinematography (which is great by the way) and sound editing (also great). The Dark Kight is awesome so just fuckin see the thing will ya? The End

It's A Love/Hate Thang

I was fortunate enough to be working the early shift this past Saturday at the good ole' booze outlet. Something strange happened in the first two or three hours that I was working. Everything that I loved and hated about my job at the current time, seemed to be occurring. And it got me thinking that I have one of the more unique jobs in the state of PA. I know some people have it worse (the guy that cleans toilets at Wal-Mart) and some have it great (Sid the Kid). But I by no means have it worse or great. I would say its an average job. As I was at work, I realized something special was happening. So I wasted no time making note of what I love and hate about my job.

One of the things that I hate is the dirtballs and riff-raff that come into the store. I mean, why the hell do some people go into a booze store and then hand you nasty, wet, disgusting money that 99 percent of the people in the world wouldn't want to touch? But somehow they seem to think that I don't mind touching it. Wrong! It is gross touching somebodies wet nasty money that I have not idea where its been. The skanks and whores are the same way. It's almost like they came from the same place, except theirs will smell like cigarette smoke. It's probably because they have been banging some rich guy for a little money, because lets face it skanks and whores do that sort of thing. Certain people make an impression on me too. For example there was an old lady that came in and I assumed (never assume anything) that she was a nice old lady, because old ladies are nice. This one was mean. She wen't to the wrong cash register, which was the one I wasn't working at. I said in a very nice tone, "Hello today ma'am, I can help you over here!" She simply looked up from her purse and looked down again. As I approached her she made a comment about it not being convenient having to go to the other register to check out since that one was closer to the door. She was very disgruntled and mean. I think she should have just gone back to her home and done everyone a favor and had a stroke. But nice people do come in. Like the guy with a bunch of baloons tied to his shopping buggy. I said, "looks like you are having a birthday party today." He rolled his eyes and said, "yeah." And then he cracked a funny. "Actually I just tied the baloons to the cart so I don't get lost." As silly as it seems, it made me chuckle. Things like that help me to relax when dealing with grumps and jerks. Some people still piss me off. Like this lady that always parks her car at the back of the store, walks around to the front door, says she wants a case of wine delivered to her car at the back and insists on doing this every time. How the fuck is that efficient? It makes so much more sense for her to leave her car up front. Instead I end up carrying a case of wine to the front of the store so she can pay for it and then back again cuz the old cunt doesn't realize how fucking dumb she is. She even looks like a fucking idiot too. GOD! Now that I have that off my chest, it's on to another great topic. MILF's.

I see lots of Milfs. Everyday. That is one of the perks of my job. They aren't all nice, but they do like to flirt a little, probably cuz the last time they got any was when their last kid was born 6 years ago and they are so busy driving them all over God's half acre they don't have any time to relax. But anyway that is a perk of my job. Hotties always come into the store too. That is great cuz it is always a high point of the day. This also allows me to joke with them. People always ask, "are we allowed to go back through the store with this alcohol we just bought?" and my response, depending on how hot and friendly the person is will either be, "yes" or "No. I think they charge a toll to go that way." It always brings a smile. I only joke with the ladies cuz they always smile about it.

A strange crowd comes in too. I guarentee nobody has ever heard anyone say that your doors open the wrong way at their job, or that people who come into the store all the time (at least twice a week) still manage to end up on the wrong side of the cash register. Only at a booze outlet. I also deal with A-list celebrities, such as Craig Wilson, Tom Gorzolanny, Doug Meinkiwitcz and Mike Tomszak. It's a tough job but somebody has got to do it.

Soon it will all end. But remember, selling booze is not a glamourous job, especially when dealing with the alcoholics. They always have the "shakes" when they check out, which is funny. Serves them right for letting alcohol control their lives. Just don't kill me when you drive home drunk from the store. I'll haunt your ass for the rest of your life on earth!

Dark Knight Review.... Coming Soon

I am going to a pre-screening of The Dark Knight on Wednesday. I'll write a review for it after I see it for everyone. I'm pretty pumped to see this movie, it looks bad ass. I love Christopher Nolan as a director. He did Memento which is one of my favorite movies. Actually, Pretty much everything else he has ever done is amazing (The Prestige, Insomnia, Batman Begins etc...). I'm not gonna lie the combination of one of my favorite directors in Nolan and one of my favorite actors in Christian Bale makes me a little bit aroused. I think Bale is one of the best actors out right now and really liked how he did Batman in the last film. And not to hop on the bandwagon but ever since I saw the first stills of Heath Ledger as The Joker (before he died), I have been excited to see what he has done with it. Plus, Morgan Freeman, Aaron Eckhart, Michael Caine, and of course the replacement of the zombie Katie Holmes all leads the make up of a great film. So, I'm geared up to see this movie for free, hell I would actually pay full price for this movie. I'll let everyone know how it is and let you know if it is worth the 9 bucks you will pay to see it on Friday. All indications point to yes it's worth it, and reviews that have come out have all been positive. I read something that said it is as close to a masterpiece as a superhero film can be. So check back in a couple of days for a full review. Don't worry I'll write something funny next, this serious blogging just isn't for me.

I'm Sniffiling From a Cold...Not Snorting Cocaine

Ok, I'm not trying to poke fun at anyone here...actually I am. Matt Jones is an idiot. Jones, who is, or should I say, was, a wide receiver for the Jacksonville Jaguars was arrested on Thursday morning for felony possession of cocaine. Police apparently saw Jones sitting in his car cutting up cocaine with a credit card and once they arrested him and two other people involved they found a bag with 6 grams of cocaine, a straw with cocaine residue and a bottle with marijuana residue. Who the hell sits in a car at 1:00 in the morning and cuts up cocaine with a credit card? Apparently Matt Jones, because he is too dumb to do it in his house where he wouldn't get caught. That would have made too much sense. I mean what do you think cops are looking for at 1AM. Not Dunkin Donuts!I guess he wasn't thinking straight cuz he probably has been doing this for a while now, as his statistics from last season would show. Thats what you get for being stupid. Can everyone else hear the sound of Matt Jones' NFL career getting flushed down the toilet? He probably should have done that with the cocaine he was caught with. But here is the lesson kiddies. Don't snort cocaine. Don't even get near the shit. As Tim Meadows says in The Ballad of Dewie Cox, "Get out of here Dewie, you don't want none of this shit!" Always have that little voice in your head when you get into a fix. But if you do choose to do it, do it someplace like the basement of your house so you don't get caught. At least then you'll probably overdose and die, but at least then you won't go to jail!

Yankees Blow Dong

So, I went to the Buccos game last night against the penis eating Yankees. Nasty Nate took one deep in the 7th for a two run shot which gave us the W. I have been saying Nate was a hero for years. I know some people can back me on this. I have been saying it because I hate Chris Duffy with a passion. I would always say "why is Shits Duffy starting? Nate McClouth should be in there at center, he's better than that head case Duffy." Most people would tell me that I was crazy and Duffy was awesome. Well, Chris Duffy is in AA Altoona and Nate is on the All-Star team. So suck my sack bitches. Anyways, I came up with an awesome idea to get a blown up picture of Madonna's and hold it up at the game to heckle A-rod with it. Me and my buddy Sam, who got the tickets and kindly invited me to the game, ended up getting two of these blown up pictures and proceeded to yell things like "Hey A-Rod, I got your girl" and "I love you A-rod, when's the divorce gonna be finalized?" Regardless of if he saw us or not, all of the Yankees fans hung their heads in shame and the Pirates fans cheered as we walked down to third base and heckled Mr. Rodriguez. The glory only lasted a matter of seconds as the dick head that was manning the section forced us to leave his sector. PNC Park should fire this man as he is not a Pirates fan and a communist. Still, I feel the plan was a success as A-rod went 0-4 and more importantly the Bucco's get the win. We take the series from the team that represents all that is evil about professional sports and all is right in the world. Now all the Buccos need to do is get to .500. If they do, my weener will be erect for months.


JASON: I totally agree about the weener thing. We should make mention of how awesome Paul Maholm has been this year. He's gone 16 innings his past two games giving up only 3 runs in that time. He's also been fantastic since the end of May. I guess striking out Billy Crystal gave him that extra boost of confidence he needed to take it to the next level. Bob Smizik wrote an article about how he may want to avoid becoming the Pirates Ace.

http://postgazette.com/pg/08193/896382-194.stm

I HATE the internet...

I found a really funny video with Robin Williams and Elmo on Sesame Street, but because of some technical problem, I can't get it to upload. Dammit! I'll keep trying and hopefully I can get it uploaded.