Succo's Trade

It's not positive yet but we just got word that Nady and Marte are out for some bums from the shit stain Yankees. Nice job fellas, way to work it through. So we get rid of one of our decent relief pitchers and one of our most consistantly solid players for an average relief pitcher and some minor league bums. Fuck that. The Pirates after shitting the bed after the all star break this is all we need. It's bottom of the 7th and we are losing 6-4. So we are probably going to lose after a string of a few good wins. Duke let up 5 today and pretty much licks male genitals. Remember when he was supposed to become our ace? Well he blows along with our other starting pitchers. Maholm, who was been the sole bright spot has been doing well and I will not complain about him. Still, we needed a starting pitcher and should have gotten one out of Nady and we easily could have. Not some turds who play in AA. I may be wrong and these guys develop into great players. But we will probably trade them when they start to produce anyways. Trading Nady will not help us reach .500 for the first time since I was a little kid pissing in my pants. I support the Pirates with every inch of myself. I love to go to games and I love to watch them on TV. I love the sports teams of this fine city like they are my children. And when your child does something stupid you still want to smack them on the ass. Well Succos, if you were my child, with the dumb shit you do, your ass would be red as those lame ass jerseys you are rocking.

TV Shows I Miss

Here we are for another piece of journalistic triumph from your friend Trick called: TV Shows I Miss. Last time we took a look at Clone High, an amazing show that got the shit can way before it ran it's course. Now, I'm going to take a look back to my childhood to recall a bad-ass cartoon called "The Real Ghostbusters."



The show was based off of the movie of the same name. It's about some scientists who catch and... Look if you don't know what Ghostbusters is you need punched in the testicles/ovaries so you can't spread your seed and populate the world with more sad excuses for humans like yourself. The show was the reason my childhood was not lame. I could have been watching Barney, or some stupid ass show like Power Rangers but no, I was watching some dudes beat the shit out of ghosts and all things evil. Now, there was another cartoon that was on around the same time called just "Ghostbusters," I'm not gonna lie, I watched the shit. However, I look back and wish I could kick my own ass because it was a cheap excuse for a cartoon. There was a damn gorilla that was busting ghosts.




What the Fuck ?????


Shit was just dumb. A gorilla would kill both of those cockbags way before he would bust ghosts. The show was based off of a 70's show that had two goof balls and a gorilla doing stupid shit. Look, I understand that this was the "origial ghostbusters" but it's pretty fuckin lame to have an ape (like Stein) running around trying to bust some demons and shit. Fuck that show.



"The Real Ghostbusters" was the bomb because the movies it was based on kicked ass and had some of the best comedians ever. I miss being a kid sitting on my couch and watching it and saying "oh Slimer, how I wish your were my friend. Oh man I just wee wee'd in my pants." Then come August I would be looking forward for my birthday where I could get a plastic proton pack from my parents and go outside and find some dick head ghosts to catch. Now, I loathe my birthday cause it's another reason for my family to get together and engauge in more depressing talk about which one of thier friends died or is in the hospital and how thier bowel movements are coming along. To be young....


So there you have it again folks your most recent intallment of TV Shows I Miss. Until next time... watch some hilarity from the show.

How Many Senses Do You Have?

Something funny happened the other day. I was at work (the booze outlet) and one of our fine customers decided that it was time to head home after making their choice on what to get fucked up on that day. This individual has been into the store several times. I was stationed at a register that was all alone near the exit. The register has nothing on either sides, so it could be confusing as to which side to go to. If you have any common sense, you would guess that it would be the side that lines up with the exit door. But this individual, who I will not name because I don't know it, goes to the wrong side. This person has been into the store several times, as I mentioned earlier. WHAT A FUCKING MORON! Who makes stupid choices like this. Apparently this douche bag and his thick, black rimmed glasses. He looks like a total nerd, overweight and dorky looking. What a waste.

Also, Bob Smizik wrote another lame editorial in which he calls Pittsburghers "knuckleheads" for wanting to boo Marian Hossa. Well no shit Smizik, what should we do: cheer him for taking us to a cup final, missing the last shot of the season, and then stabbing us all in the back and fleeing for Detroit. Why don't you all do us a fucking favor Bob and retire so that some college kid can get a job and actually contribute to society instead of writing pessimisstic articles. You beetle browed fuck!

SMIZIK DOESN'T WANT FANS TO ACT LIKE FANS

Would You Rather?

It's Friday night! So as usual I'm sitting at home by myself. Totally Cool, I know. Anyway since the Pirates are getting the shit kicked out of them, I thought I'd introduce a new feature to the site and by new feature I mean I'll probably just do it this one time but who knows.

Stein and I like to play this game called would you rather where I will give him to horrible options to what he would rather do and he MUST pick one. It's a great game and we usually think of the most horrible shit imaginable. One day Stein chose a question that neither myself, or him, or anyone else could answer.

"Would you rather have sex with your mom or your dad?"

Luckily no one reported abuse!

Yahoo Answers is a place where people can post questions and anyone can answer them. I thought I would pose this question to the Answers Community under my alias "Bob Jamies" and this is what I got.

Daisy May doesn't even answer my question. She just says "Yes, EW! Lauren responds with a "NITHER you pervert." First off, learn to fucking spell! Secondly, I'm not a pervert. It's a perfectly honest question. BabeHeart obviously has read and knows the rules of Answers. It looks like I stand a fair chance of getting a violation notice! Oh No. I guess I should have answered that the rules of "Would You Rather?" require you to select at least one answer.

Opal1331 seems to assume I live in a trailer for asking such a question. Well Opal, the jokes on you! Trailer Park People can't spell let alone buy computers with the internets. Geez. Chery, who's obviously Australian, tells me "not to give up my day job." Well Gee, I probably shouldn't because I'll never be able to make it as a professional question asker on Yahoo Answers. Oh what will I do? Finally, Tinkerbell, who also neglects to answer my question, uses bad grammar, making me respect her even less.

For some reason Penelope I am a sick bunch of asterisks and asks me why I don't go have a threesome with my parents. Who's the sick one now? Tristan answers the question honestly so he is the one one of the 9 who answered who I don't think is a total moron although his answer is kind of iffy. Julie S's answer is just weird. I don't even think it's possible for a girl to have sex with a chocolate bar. But who am I to judge?

Well, I successfully wasted an hour.

UPDATE
I Just received a violation notice from yahoo. Apparently that was not an appropriate question to ask.

What The Buc?! Pirates vs. Rockies 7/19/08

5 hits 5 runs in 1 inning! Awesome.
So I'm watching the Bucco game on my dad's porch from my laptop. If you're a Pirates fan, you already know how its going. Shitty. The Pirates pitching staff with the exception of Paul Maholm has been total garbage this year. Littlefield really fucked up this team as we have no pitching depth in the minors. Johny V, Brian Bullington, Yoslan Herrera, all total garbage. As we speak it's 7-1. Great Job Pirates. I usually (and foolishly) don't give up on the Pirates season this early but it looks like this year I'm going to have to. It's a real shame because they actually have an offense that could contend. BLAH.

Dark Knight Review!!!

Holy Shit. I saw a pre screening of The Dark Knight tonight and it is bad ass. Everything you heard about Heath Ledger in the film is true. The man was AMAZING in the film (yes this is a film, not just a movie). In all ways it worked for what it was looking to do. I am partial to Christophen Nolan's movies, in my top 100 favorites, he's not got probably 4 spots on the list. The film hits the mark for everyone, it pleases the action fans with some great sequences that just make you say "damn, that was cool," it has the romance and heart that drama fans and chicks would like that make you say "oh man, thats rough", it's got one of the best villians of all time that makes you say "Heath Ledger will be missed the man is unreal in this role", it has crime that makes you say "I love bank heists", it has violence that makes you say "That trick that the Joker did was great." (just wait, watch for how the joker makes the pencil disappear), it has humor that makes you say "ha-ha", it has the cheesy one liners that makes you say "Oh Batman, you silly bastard" and most of all it has a great director at the helm that makes you say "Mr. Nolan, you've done it again." For all it's hype the movie exceeds expecations. It's long as hell at 2 and a half hours, but I was not bored once. What I found to be the coolest thing about the film was that even though it is a Batman movie, the supporting chracters are so dynamic. Where as most times the hero is the dynamic while most others are static. In this, most of the characters are challenged as much as Batman to change and be dynamic.... except the Joker. The mother fucker is just nuts. Still, like the character Anton that Javier Bardem plays in "No Country For Old Men" even in his insanity there is a level of value, integrity, honesty and more importantly intelligence that you need to have a supervillian. All around the acting was just superb. Especially by Ledger, Bale, and Eckhart who rocks the shit as Harvey Dent. I don't want to give any of the movie away and be the dick that spoils it for people. So, let's just say I'm probably going to have to see the movie again. Yes, even though I saw it for free it is good enough to drop the 9 bucks on to see again. So make sure you make a visit to your local movie house and check out this flick. The shit is for real, the hype is justified and it far exceeds the first installment. I would write a serious journalistic review, but fuck it. The movie is the shit check it out. Once you all actually see it I'll give my real insight into the film but I'm not going to get up on my high horse on a blog that is supposed to be humorous and talk about the cinematography (which is great by the way) and sound editing (also great). The Dark Kight is awesome so just fuckin see the thing will ya? The End

It's A Love/Hate Thang

I was fortunate enough to be working the early shift this past Saturday at the good ole' booze outlet. Something strange happened in the first two or three hours that I was working. Everything that I loved and hated about my job at the current time, seemed to be occurring. And it got me thinking that I have one of the more unique jobs in the state of PA. I know some people have it worse (the guy that cleans toilets at Wal-Mart) and some have it great (Sid the Kid). But I by no means have it worse or great. I would say its an average job. As I was at work, I realized something special was happening. So I wasted no time making note of what I love and hate about my job.

One of the things that I hate is the dirtballs and riff-raff that come into the store. I mean, why the hell do some people go into a booze store and then hand you nasty, wet, disgusting money that 99 percent of the people in the world wouldn't want to touch? But somehow they seem to think that I don't mind touching it. Wrong! It is gross touching somebodies wet nasty money that I have not idea where its been. The skanks and whores are the same way. It's almost like they came from the same place, except theirs will smell like cigarette smoke. It's probably because they have been banging some rich guy for a little money, because lets face it skanks and whores do that sort of thing. Certain people make an impression on me too. For example there was an old lady that came in and I assumed (never assume anything) that she was a nice old lady, because old ladies are nice. This one was mean. She wen't to the wrong cash register, which was the one I wasn't working at. I said in a very nice tone, "Hello today ma'am, I can help you over here!" She simply looked up from her purse and looked down again. As I approached her she made a comment about it not being convenient having to go to the other register to check out since that one was closer to the door. She was very disgruntled and mean. I think she should have just gone back to her home and done everyone a favor and had a stroke. But nice people do come in. Like the guy with a bunch of baloons tied to his shopping buggy. I said, "looks like you are having a birthday party today." He rolled his eyes and said, "yeah." And then he cracked a funny. "Actually I just tied the baloons to the cart so I don't get lost." As silly as it seems, it made me chuckle. Things like that help me to relax when dealing with grumps and jerks. Some people still piss me off. Like this lady that always parks her car at the back of the store, walks around to the front door, says she wants a case of wine delivered to her car at the back and insists on doing this every time. How the fuck is that efficient? It makes so much more sense for her to leave her car up front. Instead I end up carrying a case of wine to the front of the store so she can pay for it and then back again cuz the old cunt doesn't realize how fucking dumb she is. She even looks like a fucking idiot too. GOD! Now that I have that off my chest, it's on to another great topic. MILF's.

I see lots of Milfs. Everyday. That is one of the perks of my job. They aren't all nice, but they do like to flirt a little, probably cuz the last time they got any was when their last kid was born 6 years ago and they are so busy driving them all over God's half acre they don't have any time to relax. But anyway that is a perk of my job. Hotties always come into the store too. That is great cuz it is always a high point of the day. This also allows me to joke with them. People always ask, "are we allowed to go back through the store with this alcohol we just bought?" and my response, depending on how hot and friendly the person is will either be, "yes" or "No. I think they charge a toll to go that way." It always brings a smile. I only joke with the ladies cuz they always smile about it.

A strange crowd comes in too. I guarentee nobody has ever heard anyone say that your doors open the wrong way at their job, or that people who come into the store all the time (at least twice a week) still manage to end up on the wrong side of the cash register. Only at a booze outlet. I also deal with A-list celebrities, such as Craig Wilson, Tom Gorzolanny, Doug Meinkiwitcz and Mike Tomszak. It's a tough job but somebody has got to do it.

Soon it will all end. But remember, selling booze is not a glamourous job, especially when dealing with the alcoholics. They always have the "shakes" when they check out, which is funny. Serves them right for letting alcohol control their lives. Just don't kill me when you drive home drunk from the store. I'll haunt your ass for the rest of your life on earth!

Dark Knight Review.... Coming Soon

I am going to a pre-screening of The Dark Knight on Wednesday. I'll write a review for it after I see it for everyone. I'm pretty pumped to see this movie, it looks bad ass. I love Christopher Nolan as a director. He did Memento which is one of my favorite movies. Actually, Pretty much everything else he has ever done is amazing (The Prestige, Insomnia, Batman Begins etc...). I'm not gonna lie the combination of one of my favorite directors in Nolan and one of my favorite actors in Christian Bale makes me a little bit aroused. I think Bale is one of the best actors out right now and really liked how he did Batman in the last film. And not to hop on the bandwagon but ever since I saw the first stills of Heath Ledger as The Joker (before he died), I have been excited to see what he has done with it. Plus, Morgan Freeman, Aaron Eckhart, Michael Caine, and of course the replacement of the zombie Katie Holmes all leads the make up of a great film. So, I'm geared up to see this movie for free, hell I would actually pay full price for this movie. I'll let everyone know how it is and let you know if it is worth the 9 bucks you will pay to see it on Friday. All indications point to yes it's worth it, and reviews that have come out have all been positive. I read something that said it is as close to a masterpiece as a superhero film can be. So check back in a couple of days for a full review. Don't worry I'll write something funny next, this serious blogging just isn't for me.

I'm Sniffiling From a Cold...Not Snorting Cocaine

Ok, I'm not trying to poke fun at anyone here...actually I am. Matt Jones is an idiot. Jones, who is, or should I say, was, a wide receiver for the Jacksonville Jaguars was arrested on Thursday morning for felony possession of cocaine. Police apparently saw Jones sitting in his car cutting up cocaine with a credit card and once they arrested him and two other people involved they found a bag with 6 grams of cocaine, a straw with cocaine residue and a bottle with marijuana residue. Who the hell sits in a car at 1:00 in the morning and cuts up cocaine with a credit card? Apparently Matt Jones, because he is too dumb to do it in his house where he wouldn't get caught. That would have made too much sense. I mean what do you think cops are looking for at 1AM. Not Dunkin Donuts!I guess he wasn't thinking straight cuz he probably has been doing this for a while now, as his statistics from last season would show. Thats what you get for being stupid. Can everyone else hear the sound of Matt Jones' NFL career getting flushed down the toilet? He probably should have done that with the cocaine he was caught with. But here is the lesson kiddies. Don't snort cocaine. Don't even get near the shit. As Tim Meadows says in The Ballad of Dewie Cox, "Get out of here Dewie, you don't want none of this shit!" Always have that little voice in your head when you get into a fix. But if you do choose to do it, do it someplace like the basement of your house so you don't get caught. At least then you'll probably overdose and die, but at least then you won't go to jail!

Yankees Blow Dong

So, I went to the Buccos game last night against the penis eating Yankees. Nasty Nate took one deep in the 7th for a two run shot which gave us the W. I have been saying Nate was a hero for years. I know some people can back me on this. I have been saying it because I hate Chris Duffy with a passion. I would always say "why is Shits Duffy starting? Nate McClouth should be in there at center, he's better than that head case Duffy." Most people would tell me that I was crazy and Duffy was awesome. Well, Chris Duffy is in AA Altoona and Nate is on the All-Star team. So suck my sack bitches. Anyways, I came up with an awesome idea to get a blown up picture of Madonna's and hold it up at the game to heckle A-rod with it. Me and my buddy Sam, who got the tickets and kindly invited me to the game, ended up getting two of these blown up pictures and proceeded to yell things like "Hey A-Rod, I got your girl" and "I love you A-rod, when's the divorce gonna be finalized?" Regardless of if he saw us or not, all of the Yankees fans hung their heads in shame and the Pirates fans cheered as we walked down to third base and heckled Mr. Rodriguez. The glory only lasted a matter of seconds as the dick head that was manning the section forced us to leave his sector. PNC Park should fire this man as he is not a Pirates fan and a communist. Still, I feel the plan was a success as A-rod went 0-4 and more importantly the Bucco's get the win. We take the series from the team that represents all that is evil about professional sports and all is right in the world. Now all the Buccos need to do is get to .500. If they do, my weener will be erect for months.


JASON: I totally agree about the weener thing. We should make mention of how awesome Paul Maholm has been this year. He's gone 16 innings his past two games giving up only 3 runs in that time. He's also been fantastic since the end of May. I guess striking out Billy Crystal gave him that extra boost of confidence he needed to take it to the next level. Bob Smizik wrote an article about how he may want to avoid becoming the Pirates Ace.

http://postgazette.com/pg/08193/896382-194.stm

I HATE the internet...

I found a really funny video with Robin Williams and Elmo on Sesame Street, but because of some technical problem, I can't get it to upload. Dammit! I'll keep trying and hopefully I can get it uploaded.

10 Things You Didn't Know About Stein!

I found a pretty good article on the canadian sports website tsn. The article is called "10 Things You Didn't Know About Sid 'The Kid.'" You can check it out here:

http://www.tsn.ca/columnists/james_duthie/?id=239537

Since, me and Stein are new to the blog I decided to inform you of the "10 Things You Didn't Know About Stein." Enjoy!!



1.) He really, really likes hockey. He likes it so much that he wears Penguins pajama's to bed, has a Penguins pillow case, and Penguins posters strewn about his room. He even has a blowup doll with Mario Lemieux's face glued on to it. He claims it is something he uses for inspiration. It smells like semen.

2.) He eats with his hands. I went over to his house one day to see him knuckle deep in a bowl of ramen noodles. When I asked him "Why don't you use a fork." He thew the bowl against the wall and threatened me with a piece of the broken glass. Which leads me to my next point...



3.) Stein has a bit of a temper. Mild mannered and kind as he may seem. This man has a mean streak as long as Tommy Lee's genitals. I once saw him drop kick a poodle and roundhouse kick a five year old.

4.) He is a racist. He makes fun of Canadians, Black People, Jewish people and Native Americans. He once called me a "frivolous Jew" I asked him if he even knew what frivolous meant. He didn't. I then asked him if he realized that I was not Jewish. He then called me a "heeb." I asked if he realized that a "heeb" was another word for Jewish. He did not. So he called me a cracker and left.

5.)He has both male and female reproductive organs. Ask him about it when he is drunk. If he doesn't stab you in your cheek, he will tell you all about how his mom used to talk about him being a special boy because he had "the hot dog and the bun."



6.) He is a very smelly man. Let's just say I have pieces of my feces that smell like a steak dinner compared to Stein. He smells so bad that the flies can't be near him. I can actually see the stink coming off of him like the cartoons. I suspect he does not properly clean the female portion of his anatomy.

7.) He is as hairy as a gorilla. There is nothing else to say about this. The mother fucker is hairy as a goddamned great ape.



8.) His favorite movie is Maid in Manhattan. He says the characters have such depth and really understand the hardship that is associated with life in the big city.
8a.) Stein lives in Butler PA.

9) Stein when he was 15 used to be lead vocalist in a boy band called "Soft BUTT SEXXy" He claims that it was just for the money and fame.
9a.) Only 6 people ever saw them perform. The 5 band members and a man Stein told me was their "record producer."
9b.) The "record producer" was last seen on "To Catch a Predator."



10.) Last but not least, he invented a game called "nipple sticks." Apparently it is when you stick something to your nipple using honey. Then the other person has to lick it off in a minute.
10a.) Stein is a sick fuck.


So there you have it. Stein in a nutshell. I hope you learned a little about one of your new contributors to this wonderful blog. I know I did! See you all nex post!

I Hate JVB!

John Van Benschoten is the worst Pitcher in history

Why is this no good bum still on the team? Not just on the big league squad, but any of the minor league affiliates, as well? He hasn't pitched a decent game since his first major league start 4 years ago, and yet we've set him to the mound three times this year. Awful! Bring up Yoslan Herera or some handicapped kid from the Make-A-Wish foundation. Either one would improve our chances of winning.

As it stands, The Buccos look like they are going to land about the same place they landed last year around the All-Star Break, about 8 games under .500. I love this team more than anybody but the pitching simply has to get better. Look out for my midseason report coming soon.

Speaking of Awful Commercials!

This commercial makes me want to throw up. First of all, The mother couldn't have died that long ago since the girls are rather young and I seriously doubt they would want their dad to go find a replacement mother. I mean remember how upset DJ, Stephanie, and Michelle were when Danny started dating again on Full House? Exactly.

Secondly, Where did the little girls get the just for men? Did they ride their bikes to the store and purchase it on their own? Who the fuck knows?!

Lastly, when the dad is on the date, who is watching the little girls? Apparently no one. What bad parenting. First he lets them ride their bikes alone to the store and then he leaves them home alone to while he's out with that skank. Just Awful.

If you see this, be afraid... very afraid

Beware the AAA sticker on the back of an automobile. Chances are it will contain within an old person aka. Killing Machine. The AAA bumper sticker is placed on an old persons death wagon so they have a way to remind themselves that the AAA service even exists. In the inevitable event that they will be in an accident, they can look on the bumper of their bloodied vehicle and remember to call good ole' AAA. No offence to old people. Actually, I take that back.... IN offence to old people. You ancient sons of bitches can't drive for shit. It's a terrifying situation to be driving in the close proximity to what I like to call "Mobile Olds" (A play on words with the car brand Oldsmobile. Aren't I just high-larious???). These moving mummies creep down the road driving across solid line after solid line with no regaurd for public safety. They drive around in 1976 Cadillac Tanks so when they hit something/someone the beast won't even scratch. The poor bastard on the other end however, will get demolished. So beware when you see a car that has a AAA sticker on the back. Nine times out of ten it will be a Mobile Old swurving down the road running over infants and unexpecting families. Another way to tell when grandfather time is close is when the registation sticker is put in more than one corner of the license plate. Only an old person or someone who is mentally deficient will put the sticker in any other corner than the one with the indentation (which is put on the liscence plate to idiot proof the sticker placement and guide people to the right place...it doesn't work.). Nothing against people with mental disabilities (Stein) just keep an eye on anyone who puts the sticker in multiple corners of the license plate, they are horrendous drivers. If you see a license plate with a registation sticker in all 4 corners that means that this oldie has had the car for at least 4 years making them 4 years older than you or I anticipate. So, chances are they are at least 104. So take heed folks, there are old people everywhere and they WILL get you! You can thank me for these tips later.